Several readers of this blog have commented to me that time-out is a useful tool with younger children, but what are they to do with their older children, tweens, or teens?

Remember, the idea of time-out is to withhold (i.e. take time-out from) positive reinforcement with the goal of reducing undesirable behavior. Sometimes traditional time-out (see blog posts 3 and 4) doesn’t work with an older child, tween or teen, and other negative consequences for reducing inappropriate behavior must be implemented.

For example, your 11-year-old is talking back to you and it’s becoming a problem within the house. She thinks time-out is for babies. You explain to Sally that talking back is an inappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated. You make it clear to Sally that every time she talks back to you, a privilege will be removed. Examples are: TV, telephone or cell phone use, staying up late, outside play time, electronic games, trip to the mall, etc. Construct a privilege list alone or together with Sally PRIOR to implementation of this technique. For each new day, when Sally talks back, an item is crossed off the list for that day. The procedure starts anew daily, allowing Sally to begin each day with a clean slate. Do not choose too MANY behaviors at first. Like time-out for younger children, concentrate on a few of the most troublesome behaviors that your child exhibits and focus on those, ignoring the less serious ones. Consistency is the key.

What if my teen misbehaves? Grounding is a technique that can be used for disciplining teens. Of course, grounding is effective with older children and tweens as well, but for now, let’s concentrate on your teenager. Grounding is like time-out in that your child is removed from a desirable activity for a period of time—things like borrowing the car, watching TV, computer time, telephone privileges, going out with friends, electronic gaming, etc.

When you utilize grounding with your teen, consider the following:

• Discuss with your teen what grounding means. Make your expectations and rules clear; write them down and post if necessary.
• Set an appropriate time limit on the grounding relative to the age of your child.  For a teen to lose the car for one week is not unreasonable, but a month may be too long. Remember that the grounding loses its effectiveness if the period of time of grounding is too long. Your child’s incentive for good behavior during the grounding may be lost.
• When you are angry is NOT a good time to set a grounding limit. Calm down first and make a decision based on what you feel is reasonable for a specific unwanted behavior.
• When you set the grounding limit based on thoughtfulness, do not change your mind. When parents give in and reduce the time of grounding your child will quickly learn that you won’t follow through.
• So that the entire family is not punished for your teen’s misbehavior, make arrangements for that child if the family goes out. A sitter should be used so that the grounded child remains in the house while the family can still enjoy their outing.

As always, parents should not disagree with each other about discipline in front of their children. Be consistent by rewarding or punishing the same behavior in the same way as much as you can. Parents should agree with what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior and how to respond to both. When speaking to your child about unacceptable behavior, be very specific. Displeasure over a “messy kitchen” isn’t clear enough. Instead, be specific about what “messy” means. For example, the dishes are not in the dishwasher; the books are spread across the table; there are crumbs on the floor; etc. Reward desirable behavior as much as possible throughout the day, and remember that your children are modeling your behavior.

What behaviors exhibited by your teens are challenging to you?  Let me know by leaving a response or sending me feedback. As always, I’d love to hear from you.