Tag Archives: time out

Beyond Time-Out: Challenges of the Older Child, Tween and Teen

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Several readers of this blog have commented to me that time-out is a useful tool with younger children, but what are they to do with their older children, tweens, or teens?

Remember, the idea of time-out is to withhold (i.e. take time-out from) positive reinforcement with the goal of reducing undesirable behavior. Sometimes traditional time-out (see blog posts 3 and 4) doesn’t work with an older child, tween or teen, and other negative consequences for reducing inappropriate behavior must be implemented.

For example, your 11-year-old is talking back to you and it’s becoming a problem within the house. She thinks time-out is for babies. You explain to Sally that talking back is an inappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated. You make it clear to Sally that every time she talks back to you, a privilege will be removed. Examples are: TV, telephone or cell phone use, staying up late, outside play time, electronic games, trip to the mall, etc. Construct a privilege list alone or together with Sally PRIOR to implementation of this technique. For each new day, when Sally talks back, an item is crossed off the list for that day. The procedure starts anew daily, allowing Sally to begin each day with a clean slate. Do not choose too MANY behaviors at first. Like time-out for younger children, concentrate on a few of the most troublesome behaviors that your child exhibits and focus on those, ignoring the less serious ones. Consistency is the key.

What if my teen misbehaves? Grounding is a technique that can be used for disciplining teens. Of course, grounding is effective with older children and tweens as well, but for now, let’s concentrate on your teenager. Grounding is like time-out in that your child is removed from a desirable activity for a period of time—things like borrowing the car, watching TV, computer time, telephone privileges, going out with friends, electronic gaming, etc.

When you utilize grounding with your teen, consider the following:

  • Discuss with your teen what grounding means. Make your expectations and rules clear; write them down and post if necessary.
  • Set an appropriate time limit on the grounding relative to the age of your child.  For a teen to lose the car for one week is not unreasonable, but a month may be too long. Remember that the grounding loses its effectiveness if the period of time of grounding is too long. Your child’s incentive for good behavior during the grounding may be lost.
  • When you are angry is NOT a good time to set a grounding limit. Calm down first and make a decision based on what you feel is reasonable for a specific unwanted behavior.
  • When you set the grounding limit based on thoughtfulness, do not change your mind. When parents give in and reduce the time of grounding your child will quickly learn that you won’t follow through.
  • So that the entire family is not punished for your teen’s misbehavior, make arrangements for that child if the family goes out. A sitter should be used so that the grounded child remains in the house while the family can still enjoy their outing.

As always, parents should not disagree with each other about discipline in front of their children. Be consistent by rewarding or punishing the same behavior in the same way as much as you can. Parents should agree with what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior and how to respond to both. When speaking to your child about unacceptable behavior, be very specific. Displeasure over a “messy kitchen” isn’t clear enough. Instead, be specific about what “messy” means. For example, the dishes are not in the dishwasher; the books are spread across the table; there are crumbs on the floor; etc. Reward desirable behavior as much as possible throughout the day, and remember that your children are modeling your behavior.

What behaviors exhibited by your teens are challenging to you?  Let me know by leaving a response or sending me feedback. As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy

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As a follow up to my last post on temper tantrums, I wanted to focus this week on one of my favorite behavior change strategies—time-out. Time-out is often used incorrectly, so I’d like to provide some practical and useful tips and advice on the proper use of time-out.

Time-out is actually shortened from the phrase time-out from positive reinforcement.  In other words, you are removing a child from the opportunity to earn reinforcement when a specified misbehavior occurs. This reinforcement may be a treat, a preferred task or activity, attention from parent or teacher, a TV show, etc.

To implement a time-out approach, you must first identify the behavior(s) that are appropriate for time-out. Also, the child must have the skills to be able to comply with your demands. For example, if you ask your two-year-old child to clean her room, she probably doesn’t have the skill set to complete such a task, it might not be safe for her to complete the task alone, and developmentally she probably isn’t ready for such a multistep, complicated process. However, if she’s able to pick up her three stuffed animals and place them in her toy chest, then she has mastered ONE component of cleaning her room. It is NOT appropriate to punish a child for noncompliance when she does not have the skills to comply with your demands.

What’s an appropriate time-out location? Appropriate time out areas should be clean, safe, boring and in view of an adult supervisor. The area should not be frightening, threatening, nor provide access to TV’s, video games, music, or other enjoyable tasks. Time-out will not be successful if the designated location is a better place than the environment the child was in.  In other words, it is important to provide the child’s home or classroom with a high rate of positive reinforcement when the child is engaged in appropriate behaviors. The time-out area should be inside the home such as in a designated chair, bottom of a staircase, or the bathroom.  In a classroom, time-out is in a designated chair or a seat in another classroom, but never in unsupervised areas or in an unsupervised hallway.

When implementing time-out at home, preparation is a must. Consider the following:

  • Define appropriate behaviors for time-out, those which are measurable, observable, clearly stated, and known to the child.
  • A simple, written plan describing the procedure for time-out should be available to all caregivers in the home (i.e., babysitters, day care, etc.) and followed by all by agreement.
  • Rules should be followed as related to the target behaviors. These rules should be stated positively, observable, have been pre-taught, reviewed and re-reviewed regularly. Consider posting basic rules, as well.
  • Make sure that the child’s tasks are within his/her skill level.
  • Time-out areas in the home should always be monitored by an adult, be nonreinforcing for the child, and be realistic and appropriate.
  • Pre-teach your child about your time-out procedures, like a role-play situation, and before the child misbehaves for the first time. Have your child practice time-out steps, be able to state the behaviors that will initiate a time-out, and understand the expectations surrounding time-out. If the child is well practiced, it will be easier to get to time-out when he/she really needs it!
  • Do not reteach time-out procedures or explain procedures during an actual time-out. If further teaching is required, provide more role-play situations in a calm period.

How do I implement effective time-out procedures in my home, or away from my home?  I will answer this question and provide more time-out information in next week’s post. Let me know what you think, or if you have any questions regarding time-out, please feel free to post them here and I will respond to your inquiries.

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

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A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.