A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

• Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
• Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
• Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
• Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
• If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
• After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.