Category Archives: Young Children

To Spank or Not to Spank? That is the Question!

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As my private practice continues to grow, I find it has become more difficult to keep up with blogging. My new goal is to try to complete a new entry at least once per month. Here we go:

Parents often ask me about spanking: Is it o.k. to spank? Should I try another type of discipline? My child doesn’t respond to timeout—what should I do? And on and on…. It is a controversial topic and one on which many parents disagree.

After 30 years in public education and 1 ½ in private practice, I have never waivered in regards to my feelings about spanking. I don’t believe any type of physical hitting or violence is ever justified. Although my own children will tell you that I have raised my voice on more than one occasion when feeling an urgent amount of stress, I never resorted to hitting, spanking or any physical violence as they grew up. I think it’s fair to say that all parents want to raise kind, motivated, responsible, non-violent and confident children. It is my personal and professional belief that hitting and/or spanking actually undermines these goals.

Just this week, an article in the journal Pediatrics outlined the results of a study titled Spanking and Child Development Across the First Decade of Life, in which researchers examined the relationship between spanking and children’s behavior and vocabulary through age 9. Parental reports of spanking were assessed at ages 3 and 5, along with instances of aggressive behavior.

Overall, 57% of mothers and 40% of fathers engaged in spanking when children were age 3, and 52% of mothers and 33% of fathers engaged in spanking with children at age 5. Maternal spanking at age 5, even at low levels, was associated with levels of child aggressive behavior at age 9. Fathers’ high-frequency spanking of children at age 5 was associated with lower child receptive vocabulary scores at age 9.

The authors concluded that not only is spanking still used as a typical form of discipline by many American parents, but also that spanking has proven to have negative effects on both the behavior and cognitive development of young children.

I found this study to be interesting for several reasons: 1) The actual percentage of “spankers” was a bit higher than I realized; 2) Throughout my career, I have consistently counseled/educated/voiced my opinion to parents about the importance of NOT spanking, hitting or perpetrating any form of violence on their children, thus this study validated my beliefs; and 3) the study is current, had a large sample, and used a control population, deeming is scientifically sound.

Like many things, it’s easy to tell parents NOT to spank, but that’s just not enough—we must provide them education about other more healthy techniques for managing their children’s behavior (see my earlier posts about time-out, for example).

More emphasis needs to be placed on providing children the tools necessary to resolve conflicts without hitting, to manage stress in their lives, to learn empathy for others and to communicate and interact with others respectfully. Spanking is a short-term response that ultimately fails to teach children what we want them to learn over a long period of time.

So, if To Spank or Not to Spank is the question, the outcome of this study suggests that Not to Spank is most definitely the answer.

Please tell me how you feel about this topic by leaving a response above.  If you feel that you need to speak to a helping professional, contact me, your child’s teacher/school, or seek counseling from a reliable therapist. As always, thank you kindly for reading.

Woo Hoo! Back To School! (Part 2)

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Part 1 of my back-to-school blog covered basics of ensuring a smooth transition for you and your child(ren) as a new school year begins. This post focuses on the back-to-school “jitters” and those children who truly get anxious.

Not only do students encounter beginning-of-school jitters, but teachers and school staff also feel the emotions of a new year, a new beginning.  I worked in schools for 30 years and can safely affirm that I rarely had a good night’s sleep the night before school started.  It’s a natural phenomenon to get excited, scared, eager, or overwhelmed at the start of something new. Although some accept change with ease and slip into new experiences with little fanfare, others just – well – worry, stress, and get anxious.

The following tips (extrapolated from NASP “Back to School Transitions: Tips for Parents”) are to help those of you with children who are beginning school soon and tend to get anxious.

  • The first few days may be rough; try not to overreact. Particularly the younger student may suffer separation anxiety after a summer with parents and loose schedules. School personnel are trained to deal with children who may have a hard time adjusting.  Best advice:  Drop off your child without lingering, say “I love you and will be back at the end of the day,” then leave.
  • Talk to your child and let them know that you care. Model optimism and confidence and reinforce your belief in their ability to cope. Tell them that it’s o.k. to be nervous about starting something new, but he/she will be fine once they become more familiar with their new surroundings. Best advice:  Send positive, short notes in their lunch box or backpack and listen to any concerns when they arrive home. Reinforce positives as they discuss their school day.
  • Try to remain calm and positive about any bad experiences from the previous year. Those who had a difficult school year may have more anxiety about their return to school. Children who were teased or bullied, those encountering academic problems or any other difficulties may be reluctant to start another year with a positive attitude. Best advice: Talk to school personnel before school begins about this and then reassure your child that this is a new year and a fresh start. Reinforce that you will be working with the school to ensure a smooth school year and prevention of further issues.
  • Give your child strategies to cope if they are feeling anxious. Be open with the school and keep open communication with your child’s teachers. Encourage your child to tell you or the teacher if problems continue.  Best advice: Maintain open communication with your child and your child’s teacher.
  • Try to allow your child to meet with other students and school friends before the first day to ease your child into the new academic year. Best advice: Encourage your older child to contact friends, or if your child is younger, call the parents yourself to schedule play dates.
  • Plan to volunteer in your child’s classroom periodically throughout the year. This reinforces to your child that you are interested in their learning and that school and family are communicating. Additionally, you are building relationships with teachers, classmates, and other school personnel, as well as learning about classroom routines and atmosphere. Best advice: Even if you can’t regularly volunteer, periodic parent help is often welcomed and only benefits your child.

If your child’s anxiety becomes problematic, extreme in nature, or lasts for an extended period, make an appointment to speak with the teacher or school psychologist. More in-school support may be indicated or other resources in the school or community may be suggested. Remember: most children are very resilient and with support, encouragement, and communication will be able to have a successful school year.

Leave me a comment if you liked this entry.  I’d love to hear from you!  Any suggestions for future entries?  Let me know.

Woo Hoo! Back to School! (Part 1)

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It’s August already and it’s time to think—Back to School. With most schools across the country starting their school year before Labor Day, now is a great time to begin preparations.

Of course, each developmental/grade level may bring different challenges or expectations.  But there are a few general guidelines for ALL children that I’ve highlighted below:

  • Schedule all doctor and dental visits before the start of the school year.  Be sure to mention to your child’s doctor any concerns about their emotional or psychological development.  Your physician is able to determine the difference between age-appropriate issues or those that require further assessment.  Be prepared before school begins to notify school staff of any problems so they may be addressed early in the school year, if possible.
  • Start re-setting routines, such as mealtimes and bedtimes.  In the week or two before school starts, begin to talk to your child about the need for routines.  If you discontinued certain routines for summer, such as reading with your child before bed, then reestablish this. Stress the importance of a good breakfast, and start this every morning, as well.
  • Turn off the TV.  Emphasize quiet activities in the morning, such as games, reading, or coloring rather than turning on the TV. This will help your child ease into the school year. Try to maintain this throughout the school year; watching too much TV can be distracting before school.
  • Get rid of the TV in your child’s bedroom!  While I am on the topic of TV, I want to emphasize there is NO reason to have a TV in your child’s bedroom.  It has the potential to keep your child awake until late hours. Also, it’s impossible to monitor your child’s viewing. Even if you believe they will listen to you, they might turn it on before school (see above), and TV’s are not babysitters. Make TV viewing a family activity, or set guidelines for a certain amount of TV viewing during the school week.
  • Make copies of important school documents.  Keep a folder(s) handy of important documents, such as health and emergency information. Health records are often acceptable for over a year and can be used for other activities, such as extracurriculars, sports teams, or clubs.  Also keep important school records in a folder, including reports from teachers, report cards, special commendations, etc.
  • Homework areas.  Children should have a designated homework space in their house.  Older children should be allowed to complete homework or study in their rooms or other quiet areas of the home.  Younger children should be in an area of the house where they can be monitored by an adult, such as the kitchen, dining area, or family room.
  • Designate an area of the house for backpacks.  All children should be responsible for emptying backpacks every day and placing important notices and notes in a designated area for parents to read/sign/return. The backpack should be put in that specific area at night and repacked so as to be ready for a quick departure in the morning.
  • If your child is going to a new school.  Visit the new school with your child, once or several times depending on the age of the child. Designate meeting zones for after school pickups, visit the teacher, locate the classroom, etc. to ease anxiety.  Always call ahead to make sure the specific school personnel will be available for introductions.
  • Mark important dates.  As soon as you receive the school year calendar (and all schools distribute these), mark your calendar for important events, such as conferences, back to school night, concerts, etc. This is especially important if you have children in different schools and will also aid in arranging for babysitters when needed for those who must stay home.
  • Clothes.  Buy early and check your school to see if they require uniforms of a specific color or style. Schools often have rules about length of skirts or shorts, bare midriffs, halter-tops, flip-flops, tee shirts with inappropriate messages, etc. Specific guidelines will be available at the school; avoid conflict with your child by reading the guidelines before school starts.

My next blog entry will deal with the first week of school, and how to cope with the anxious child (and parents) as the new school year begins.

*These tips were extrapolated from NASP “Back to School Transitions:  Tips for Parents” at www.nasponline.org

ADHD–Part I

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ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) often comes to my attention in my private practice; it’s frequently the reason that parents call me for help with their child. I worked in the school system for many years and ADHD was the most frequent reason that children were referred to me for assessment, counseling, or parent and teacher consultation.  What exactly is ADHD and how can I manage my child, both at home and at school?

ADHD is one of the most common chronic health conditions affecting school-age children.  It is a specific developmental disorder with respect to controlling and/or regulating behaviors, impulses, and/or attention, and is observed in both children and adults.  About  5-8% of the childhood population and 4-5% of the adult population meets the criteria for ADHD that has been established and researched by the medical field.  The latest research now points to ADHD as a disorder of inhibition and self-regulation.  Although their have been many names for this disorder, it is now referred to as ADHD.

What causes ADHD? There is a very strong biological contribution to its occurrence although specific causes have not yet been determined. Several genes associated with the disorder have been identified, however, it is such a complex disorder, it’s almost certain that more genes will likely be identified. Given that ADHD represents a set of complex behavioral traits, a single gene is unlikely to account fully for this disorder.  The popular notions that excessive sugar, food additives, excessive TV viewing, or poor behavioral management by parents contribute in some way to ADHD have not been supported by research. Factors that MAY contribute outside heredity include difficulties during pregnancy, prenatal exposure to tobacco and alcohol, prematurity or low birth weight, excessive lead levels in the body, as well as postnatal injury to the prefrontal area of the brain.

ADHD presents with both core and peripheral, or related, symptoms that tend to occur together to spell this diagnosis. The core symptoms are related to inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. Peripheral symptoms include academic problems, social skills deficits, behavioral problems, and other disorders such as anxiety or depression.  The expression of ADHD is highly variable so that all children won’t likely have all of the core and peripheral symptoms. Individuals with ADHD demonstrate vast differences from each other within the ADHD diagnosis.

Given the above, there are specific diagnostic criteria for ADHD, too numerous to mention here. To reach a diagnosis of ADHD, symptoms must cause impairment in school, social, or work settings and signs of this must present before age 7.  Some impairment must be present in two or more settings (such as school AND home). The symptoms must not be better accounted for by other mental disorders, such as anxiety disorder, mood disorder, dissociative disorder, or a personality disorder, nor can it be explained by a different diagnosis, a stressful experience, or any other factor within the child’s environment.  Finally, the child’s symptoms must create dysfunction for the child in areas such as academic performance and interpersonal relationships.

There are three types of ADHD based on specific diagnostic criteria:

  • ADHD, predominantly inattentive type:  This is identified if criteria for inattention are met, but criteria for hyperactivity/impulsivity are not met for the past 6 months.
  • ADHD, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type:  Identified if criteria for hyperactivity/impulsivity are met but criteria for inattention are not met for the past 6 months.
  • ADHD, combined type:  If both criteria for inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity are met for the past 6 months.

There is NO treatment that has been found to cure this disorder, but many treatments exist to help manage the symptoms.  Next time, I will write about assessment and treatment options for ADHD.  If you have any specific questions, please address them to me at rtlapidus@gmail.com or respond via this blog in the upper right corner’s speech balloon.

How Can I Help My Child When Terror Strikes?

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My first blog post was dedicated to Mary Sherlach, the school psychologist who was violently gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The death of 20 innocent children and 5 additional staff members profoundly affected me, mainly because I spent 30 years working in public schools.  It’s hard to wrap your hands around such violence and tragedy when those images hit so close to home and when the ability to visualize the scenario seems so real.

Now, once again, the frightening news of the Boston Marathon bombings surrounds us. Thinking of all the injured and uninjured athletes who only wanted to compete and enjoy this sporting event, along with the onlookers who experienced the terror around them, has once again scarred Americans and people from around the globe. The availability of instant media access, Internet, and social media has allowed horrific images and constant news coverage to inundate our society.

But what about the children? As a parent, therapist, citizen, and educator, the death of an 8 year-old and the injuries suffered by several other children breaks my heart. Although we as adults try to process our own grief, we also need to help our children process theirs. How do we help our children understand terrorist attacks, frightening news, and their emotions surrounding these events?

These events are frightening. These events are upsetting. Children look to the reactions of their parents and other adults to figure out their own reactions. Parents can help their children by giving them a sense of security and safety. The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) offers the following suggestions for all adults when helping children cope with these events and working through their emotions:

  • Model calm and control. Children take cues from adults in their lives.  Avoid appearing anxious and frightened.
  • Reassure children that they are safe. Help point out factors that ensure their safety.
  • Remind children that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that first responders and the government are working to ensure that no further tragedies will occur.
  • Let children know that it is ok to feel upset and frightened.  Explain that when a tragedy occurs, it is ok to feel upset and that talking about their feelings helps.  Adults may need to help children express feelings appropriately.
  • Tell children the truth.  Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or is not serious. They may be more afraid if they think you are not telling them what is happening.
  • Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish the event or who might be responsible. With younger children, don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy.
  • Be careful to not stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the violence.  Children model parent’s negativity and develop prejudice. Talk tolerance and justice.  Stop any bullying or teasing immediately.
  • Explanations should be kept developmentally appropriate. Be a good listener to all children and allow them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings
    • Early Elementary children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that their daily structure will not change.
    • Upper Elementary and early middle school children will tend to ask more questions about whether they are really safe. Separation of reality from fantasy is important.
    • Upper Middle School and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in school and society. They will share suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They may become more committed to action to help the victims and affected community.
  • Maintain normal routines.
  • Monitor and/or restrict viewing repeated scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.  For older children, encourage accessing coverage from multiple news sources.
  • Observe children’s emotional states.  Many children will not verbally express their concerns. Look for changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns.  There is no right or wrong way to express fear or grief.
  • Be aware of children who are of greater risk.  This includes those who have experienced a past trauma, personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or those with special needs. Be observant of those who may be at risk for suicide. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your child.
  • Provide an appropriate outlet for children who desire to help.  Examples include cards, letters to families or survivors, thank you letters to doctors, first responders, nurses, etc.
  • Monitor your own stress level.  Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talk to friends, family, religious leader, and mental health workers.  Get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It is ok to let your children know that you are sad, but you believe things will improve.
  • Keep communication open between home and school.  School is where children can experience normalcy. Schools can inform families of additional resources. Also let your child’s teacher know if he/she is having particular difficulty with the present situation.

I hope these tips from NASP were helpful.  Please contact me with comments or suggestions for future topics.

Bedtime Blues or Bliss–II

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My last post provided guidelines for establishing bedtime routines for your children, with an emphasis on consistency. Consistency is the key to helping ensure that everyone gets a good night’s sleep. When your child gets into a consistent sleep routine, he or she will be at less risk for emotional, behavioral, and learning problems. Additionally, you – the parent – will feel more refreshed during the day and enjoy a better overall family life.

What if my child has more serious sleep problems? Some children and teenagers suffer from sleep disruptions and have difficulty following a good sleep diet. These disorders may include:

  • Insomnia
  • Nightmares
  • Sleepwalking
  • Night Terrors
  • Other sleep disturbances caused by hormonal changes and stress in adolescence

Let’s explore these more serious sleep problems in greater detail.

Primary insomnia occurs when your child has difficulty falling or staying asleep without any known underlying medical condition. This may be due to poor sleep patterns or erratic sleep schedules. Usually the establishment of a good sleep routine is sufficient to reduce or eliminate primary insomnia. Emphasize calming activities in the hour or so before bedtime, avoid giving your child caffeinated food or drinks before bedtime, and provide for plenty of exercise during the day. If these techniques do not help, consult your child’s pediatrician to rule out any underlying medical conditions that my interfere with sleep. A mental health professional may be sought out as well.

Nightmares are disturbing and/or frightening dreams. As many as half of all children may suffer from nightmares; however, they are most common in preschool and elementary grade children and tend to lessen over time. Nightmares may begin around age 2, peak in the 4 to 6-age range, and then slowly diminish, although they can occur in all ages. What causes nightmares? Stress, traumatic events, scary TV programs, violent video games or movies, vivid imaginations, fear (such as fear of the dark), and even some medications can all trigger nightmares. When your child experiences a nightmare, calm her down and repeat a shortened version of her bedtime routine to help her back to sleep. A nightlight in the bedroom may help a frightened child, or a shared storybook for those who have frequent nightmares.

Sleepwalking occurs during deep sleep, often 1 to 2 hours after initially falling asleep. Episodes can range from simply sitting up in bed to actually getting up and walking around the house, down stairs, or even outside. It can be very difficult to wake a sleepwalking child. When awakened, he may seem confused and usually will have no memory of the event. Comfort your child after an episode of sleepwalking and then return him to his bed. Sleepwalking usually stops in late childhood, although a few continue to sleepwalk into adulthood.

Night Terrors are episodes during which the child screams, seems disoriented and anxious, does not recognize parents, but at the same time appears wide awake. They usually occur between ages 3 and 8, and often 3 hours into the sleep period. Night terrors typically end by age 12. I often refer to them as “Parent Terrors” because it can be very scary to be awakened by a screaming, anxious child who may not recognize you. While children who have night terrors seem to be awake, they are not consciously awake, and may fight the parent who is trying to calm them. When the night terror eventually ends, often after 10-15 minutes, the child will return to sleep and have no memory of this terrifying event. Although parents are usually frightened (and I have personally experienced this!), there is little or no impact on the child. Hold your child gently until the episode ends and then return him/her to bed. Night terrors are NOT a sign that your child is troubled or emotionally disturbed.

Teenagers usually outgrow nightmares, sleepwalking, and night terrors; however, other sleep disturbances caused by hormonal changes and stress in adolescence may crop up.  Changes in sleep cycles can be triggered by puberty, hormonal fluctuations typical to adolescents, and the stresses of growing up in a complex society. Most teens do NOT get enough sleep at night, nor do they fall asleep quickly when they lie down for the night. Teens begin their days with school early in the morning. Extracurricular activities, such as jobs, homework, athletics and other social events often work against teens, preventing them from getting an adequate number of hours of sleep. Parents can intervene by reducing stress, encouraging adequate exercise, eliminating caffeine and energy drinks in the evening and removing distractions from their bedrooms.

If you believe your child has any of these serious sleep issues, a sleep diary may be helpful. Record the number of hours your child sleeps, how many times he/she wakes during the night, what happened before the child fell asleep, and any parental intervention taken during the disruption. Your child’s pediatrician should be consulted for serious sleep problems. The sleep diary information will be a useful tool to determine if your child has a sleep disorder.

Does your child or teen have sleep disturbances?  Please share your interventions or frustrations. I’d love to hear from you.

Bedtime Blues or Bliss?

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One of the most frequent inquiries I get from parents involves children and bedtime issues. Even the best sleepers can go through a period of resistance to going to sleep. Why does this happen and what can you as a parent do to set up healthy sleep routines, or what I like to call a “sleep diet.”

Set bedtimes so your child gets the appropriate amount of sleep. Preschoolers generally require 11-13 hours/night, while school-aged children typically need about 10-11 hours.  Most children respond best to bedtime if a routine consisting of a set of activities that are the same EVERY night, including the weekends, is set up early in their lives. Activities may include a signal or warning that it is time to get ready for bed, readying for the next day (for older children), taking a bath, reading a book, conversing or maybe even singing a soothing song.

Still, some children refuse to go to sleep. Very young children may become fearful and experience separation anxiety (a general fear of something happening to their parent(s) while they are asleep). Children ages 4-6 may experience more specific fears, such as fear of monsters, darkness or fear of having a bad dream—all normal for this age group. In the 3-10 age range, disturbing dreams may occur, peaking at about age 10. And teenagers may suffer from disturbances in their sleep cycles due to puberty, hormonal imbalances or stressors such as growing up, college or career plans, relationships or other social concerns.

How parents handle the reasons for their child’s resistance or difficulty getting to bed will play an important part in outcomes. When the child’s resistance persists and becomes a learned behavior and parents give in to the child due to their own fatigue or other reasons, rules are relaxed and new behaviors pop up. The child learns that nagging, whining, crying, stalling, one more drink of water, etc. will put off going to bed.

You may be noticing a common theme in my posts—CONSISTENCY! As with time-out and grounding, consistency is the key. Inconsistency can turn good behaviors bad and make bad behaviors worse. When parents try to buckle down after rules have been loosened for a time, the child learns to push back harder to get what he/she wants. Riding this roller coaster may cause you and your child to lock horns in a battle over bedtime that nobody wants to endure.

So, as a parent, what can I do to attain bedtime bliss? Here are several suggestions:

  • Establish effective bedtime routines that include—the same bedtime each night, quiet time for one hour before bedtime, providing time cues for bedtime, story time, etc.  You set the routine however it works for your household, but once you’ve set it, keep it consistent!
  • Provide healthy daily routines for your child including good nutrition, physical activity during the day to promote sleep at night, and no violent video games or TV shows before bed.
  • One “get out of bed free” pass.  The child receives a ticket to be used ONCE per night to get a drink or ask a question of the parent. This ticket may not be used more than once per night. This technique may work for some as it feels like fun to your child and gives them a little leeway for any problem they may have getting to bed.
  • Planned ignoring is a technique in which the parent makes it clear that once the child is in bed and the routine is complete, no more interactions will occur.  If the child objects, then the parent ignores the child and provides no further attention.  That means NOT responding to questions, comments or statements from the child. If he gets out of bed, escort him back to bed with minimal interaction.  Expect an increase in negative behaviors for several nights, but the child will eventually learn to go to sleep without protest. This usually takes about three nights. Planned ignoring is often most difficult for parents; hence, set the routine early.

Next week, I will continue with this topic and focus on more serious sleep issues. Stay tuned, and as usual, send me a note and let me know what you think.  Any topics you want explored?

 

 

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy-Part 2

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Last week’s post focused on an introduction to the use of time-out. I emphasized the fact that your child must have the skill set to meet adult expectations before you consider using time-out. I also discussed defining appropriate behaviors for time-out, assigning time out areas (location) at home and at school, and preparing for the use of time-out at home. This week I will focus on the actual steps of implementing an effective time-out procedure.

When you are ready to implement a time-out, your child should be told quickly what behavior earned the time-out and what behaviors are required to end the time-out. Remember these important points: it is recommended that you NOT engage your child in a long dissertation about his/her behavior, and there should be NO negotiating, begging, or arguing, as that will only reinforce the inappropriate behaviors.

After you’ve identified the behavior and calmly stated why he/she is going to time-out, remove your child to your specific time-out area for brief and pre-determined periods of time.  A time-out should last no longer than 1 to 2 minutes for each year of the child’s age. For example, an 8-year-old will be in time-out for 8 minutes, a 2-year-old, 2 minutes, etc.  A child in time-out should be supervised for the entire period, with attention focused away from the child. Do not converse, engage, or play with your child.

When time-out is over, I like to use an audible signal to indicate that the child may come out of time-out. A kitchen timer, oven timer, microwave timer, or audible wristwatch may be used to signal that time-out has ended. In this way, the child learns to NOT leave time out until he hears the signal. (On many occasions, it will remind the adult, as well!).

The child may come out of time-out ONLY if their behavior is appropriate, i.e. sitting quietly for the final 30 seconds to 1 minute of the time-out. If you release your child from time-out during a tantrum, while screaming, or being disruptive, your child learns to express these behaviors to end the time-out. If your child refuses to leave time-out, ignore him/her. Do not engage in arguments at this time as it can lead to noncompliance with the time-out process.

When your child leaves time-out, he/she must complete the task or request that occurred just prior to the targeted behaviors. Allowing a child to use time-out to avoid a task or situation is counterproductive. For example, your 10-year-old spilled a glass of juice on the floor, resulting in a tantrum and refusal to clean the spill upon your request. After the 10 minutes in time-out, he/she will be required to clean up the spillage – not you.

When time-out occurs in a school situation, it should be shared with all staff involved with the child. How long the time-out lasted, the child’s behavior while in time-out and the behavior directly preceding or leading to the time-out should be documented and posted in entry/exit of the time-out location for other staff members.

Written documentation can reveal important data about your child and his/her behavior and the effectiveness of the time-out. It is imperative if your child is in time-out in school that proper documentation is recorded for every occurrence. However, I personally do not believe that documentation at home is as important as at school UNLESS your child’s behavior has become so problematic that documenting it would help other caregivers. In all situations, if the behaviors do not decrease after two weeks, then reevaluate the procedure, with one important exception—If the behaviors are dangerous, it is recommended that you not wait two weeks before seeking the help of a professional.

Of course, time-out does have limitations to consider. When in time-out, the child is removed from positive learning and/or social situations. For children with limited social skills, this is particularly concerning. Some children LIKE being alone and time-out is too reinforcing for them. Time-out can also be reinforcing to adults as it removes the difficult child, which can entice the adult to use time-out too frequently, for longer periods of time than recommended, or for other than targeted behaviors. That is why keeping a written log and reviewing it daily or weekly can be so important. If the log indicates that the procedure is not working, then the program may be tweaked to make it more effective.

Time-out is a very effective procedure for behavior change if used properly, with good planning, documentation, and review. I would love to hear your experiences with time-out with your children or students.  Please leave me a reply with your comments, suggestions, or possible future topics.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy

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As a follow up to my last post on temper tantrums, I wanted to focus this week on one of my favorite behavior change strategies—time-out. Time-out is often used incorrectly, so I’d like to provide some practical and useful tips and advice on the proper use of time-out.

Time-out is actually shortened from the phrase time-out from positive reinforcement.  In other words, you are removing a child from the opportunity to earn reinforcement when a specified misbehavior occurs. This reinforcement may be a treat, a preferred task or activity, attention from parent or teacher, a TV show, etc.

To implement a time-out approach, you must first identify the behavior(s) that are appropriate for time-out. Also, the child must have the skills to be able to comply with your demands. For example, if you ask your two-year-old child to clean her room, she probably doesn’t have the skill set to complete such a task, it might not be safe for her to complete the task alone, and developmentally she probably isn’t ready for such a multistep, complicated process. However, if she’s able to pick up her three stuffed animals and place them in her toy chest, then she has mastered ONE component of cleaning her room. It is NOT appropriate to punish a child for noncompliance when she does not have the skills to comply with your demands.

What’s an appropriate time-out location? Appropriate time out areas should be clean, safe, boring and in view of an adult supervisor. The area should not be frightening, threatening, nor provide access to TV’s, video games, music, or other enjoyable tasks. Time-out will not be successful if the designated location is a better place than the environment the child was in.  In other words, it is important to provide the child’s home or classroom with a high rate of positive reinforcement when the child is engaged in appropriate behaviors. The time-out area should be inside the home such as in a designated chair, bottom of a staircase, or the bathroom.  In a classroom, time-out is in a designated chair or a seat in another classroom, but never in unsupervised areas or in an unsupervised hallway.

When implementing time-out at home, preparation is a must. Consider the following:

  • Define appropriate behaviors for time-out, those which are measurable, observable, clearly stated, and known to the child.
  • A simple, written plan describing the procedure for time-out should be available to all caregivers in the home (i.e., babysitters, day care, etc.) and followed by all by agreement.
  • Rules should be followed as related to the target behaviors. These rules should be stated positively, observable, have been pre-taught, reviewed and re-reviewed regularly. Consider posting basic rules, as well.
  • Make sure that the child’s tasks are within his/her skill level.
  • Time-out areas in the home should always be monitored by an adult, be nonreinforcing for the child, and be realistic and appropriate.
  • Pre-teach your child about your time-out procedures, like a role-play situation, and before the child misbehaves for the first time. Have your child practice time-out steps, be able to state the behaviors that will initiate a time-out, and understand the expectations surrounding time-out. If the child is well practiced, it will be easier to get to time-out when he/she really needs it!
  • Do not reteach time-out procedures or explain procedures during an actual time-out. If further teaching is required, provide more role-play situations in a calm period.

How do I implement effective time-out procedures in my home, or away from my home?  I will answer this question and provide more time-out information in next week’s post. Let me know what you think, or if you have any questions regarding time-out, please feel free to post them here and I will respond to your inquiries.

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

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A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.