Tag Archives: children

How Can I Help My Child When Terror Strikes?

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My first blog post was dedicated to Mary Sherlach, the school psychologist who was violently gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The death of 20 innocent children and 5 additional staff members profoundly affected me, mainly because I spent 30 years working in public schools.  It’s hard to wrap your hands around such violence and tragedy when those images hit so close to home and when the ability to visualize the scenario seems so real.

Now, once again, the frightening news of the Boston Marathon bombings surrounds us. Thinking of all the injured and uninjured athletes who only wanted to compete and enjoy this sporting event, along with the onlookers who experienced the terror around them, has once again scarred Americans and people from around the globe. The availability of instant media access, Internet, and social media has allowed horrific images and constant news coverage to inundate our society.

But what about the children? As a parent, therapist, citizen, and educator, the death of an 8 year-old and the injuries suffered by several other children breaks my heart. Although we as adults try to process our own grief, we also need to help our children process theirs. How do we help our children understand terrorist attacks, frightening news, and their emotions surrounding these events?

These events are frightening. These events are upsetting. Children look to the reactions of their parents and other adults to figure out their own reactions. Parents can help their children by giving them a sense of security and safety. The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) offers the following suggestions for all adults when helping children cope with these events and working through their emotions:

  • Model calm and control. Children take cues from adults in their lives.  Avoid appearing anxious and frightened.
  • Reassure children that they are safe. Help point out factors that ensure their safety.
  • Remind children that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that first responders and the government are working to ensure that no further tragedies will occur.
  • Let children know that it is ok to feel upset and frightened.  Explain that when a tragedy occurs, it is ok to feel upset and that talking about their feelings helps.  Adults may need to help children express feelings appropriately.
  • Tell children the truth.  Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or is not serious. They may be more afraid if they think you are not telling them what is happening.
  • Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish the event or who might be responsible. With younger children, don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy.
  • Be careful to not stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the violence.  Children model parent’s negativity and develop prejudice. Talk tolerance and justice.  Stop any bullying or teasing immediately.
  • Explanations should be kept developmentally appropriate. Be a good listener to all children and allow them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings
    • Early Elementary children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that their daily structure will not change.
    • Upper Elementary and early middle school children will tend to ask more questions about whether they are really safe. Separation of reality from fantasy is important.
    • Upper Middle School and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in school and society. They will share suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They may become more committed to action to help the victims and affected community.
  • Maintain normal routines.
  • Monitor and/or restrict viewing repeated scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.  For older children, encourage accessing coverage from multiple news sources.
  • Observe children’s emotional states.  Many children will not verbally express their concerns. Look for changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns.  There is no right or wrong way to express fear or grief.
  • Be aware of children who are of greater risk.  This includes those who have experienced a past trauma, personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or those with special needs. Be observant of those who may be at risk for suicide. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your child.
  • Provide an appropriate outlet for children who desire to help.  Examples include cards, letters to families or survivors, thank you letters to doctors, first responders, nurses, etc.
  • Monitor your own stress level.  Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talk to friends, family, religious leader, and mental health workers.  Get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It is ok to let your children know that you are sad, but you believe things will improve.
  • Keep communication open between home and school.  School is where children can experience normalcy. Schools can inform families of additional resources. Also let your child’s teacher know if he/she is having particular difficulty with the present situation.

I hope these tips from NASP were helpful.  Please contact me with comments or suggestions for future topics.

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

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A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.