Category Archives: Behavior

To Spank or Not to Spank? That is the Question!

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As my private practice continues to grow, I find it has become more difficult to keep up with blogging. My new goal is to try to complete a new entry at least once per month. Here we go:

Parents often ask me about spanking: Is it o.k. to spank? Should I try another type of discipline? My child doesn’t respond to timeout—what should I do? And on and on…. It is a controversial topic and one on which many parents disagree.

After 30 years in public education and 1 ½ in private practice, I have never waivered in regards to my feelings about spanking. I don’t believe any type of physical hitting or violence is ever justified. Although my own children will tell you that I have raised my voice on more than one occasion when feeling an urgent amount of stress, I never resorted to hitting, spanking or any physical violence as they grew up. I think it’s fair to say that all parents want to raise kind, motivated, responsible, non-violent and confident children. It is my personal and professional belief that hitting and/or spanking actually undermines these goals.

Just this week, an article in the journal Pediatrics outlined the results of a study titled Spanking and Child Development Across the First Decade of Life, in which researchers examined the relationship between spanking and children’s behavior and vocabulary through age 9. Parental reports of spanking were assessed at ages 3 and 5, along with instances of aggressive behavior.

Overall, 57% of mothers and 40% of fathers engaged in spanking when children were age 3, and 52% of mothers and 33% of fathers engaged in spanking with children at age 5. Maternal spanking at age 5, even at low levels, was associated with levels of child aggressive behavior at age 9. Fathers’ high-frequency spanking of children at age 5 was associated with lower child receptive vocabulary scores at age 9.

The authors concluded that not only is spanking still used as a typical form of discipline by many American parents, but also that spanking has proven to have negative effects on both the behavior and cognitive development of young children.

I found this study to be interesting for several reasons: 1) The actual percentage of “spankers” was a bit higher than I realized; 2) Throughout my career, I have consistently counseled/educated/voiced my opinion to parents about the importance of NOT spanking, hitting or perpetrating any form of violence on their children, thus this study validated my beliefs; and 3) the study is current, had a large sample, and used a control population, deeming is scientifically sound.

Like many things, it’s easy to tell parents NOT to spank, but that’s just not enough—we must provide them education about other more healthy techniques for managing their children’s behavior (see my earlier posts about time-out, for example).

More emphasis needs to be placed on providing children the tools necessary to resolve conflicts without hitting, to manage stress in their lives, to learn empathy for others and to communicate and interact with others respectfully. Spanking is a short-term response that ultimately fails to teach children what we want them to learn over a long period of time.

So, if To Spank or Not to Spank is the question, the outcome of this study suggests that Not to Spank is most definitely the answer.

Please tell me how you feel about this topic by leaving a response above.  If you feel that you need to speak to a helping professional, contact me, your child’s teacher/school, or seek counseling from a reliable therapist. As always, thank you kindly for reading.

Teenagers and Being Mindful: A Contradiction?

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Hi again.  I’ve been on a blog hiatus, but happily, I’m baaaaaaack!  Hope your summer is continuing to be relaxing and enjoyable.

If you haven’t noticed, I see many children and adolescents in my private practice. I also see many of their parents or speak to them on the phone. I’ve also worked in public schools for 30 years and have had contact with my share of young people, teachers, and parents. Perhaps the most troubling aspect of this age group for teachers and parents is understanding their pre-teens and teenagers.

What is it about this population that is so puzzling? Perhaps it is their tendency toward moodiness. Or….. the constant challenging of your authority? Throw in their past adorable-ness and how they soooo needed you, but now want only to avoid your very presence. Sometimes there is the mix of  “I need you” and then, “I don’t need you,” all in the course of half an hour! Absolutely, I’m sure there are “perfect” teens out there (I haven’t seen one, but perhaps you have), but inevitably most experience changes at this juncture, including social, academic, hormonal, and emotional. A mindfulness practice can help.

What is mindfulness? It is the deliberate practice of paying attention to whatever you are doing, right now.  It is learning to be aware, or mindful, during difficult times in life. We become aware of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physiological changes. We don’t try to change things; just become aware, fully focused. Breathing in and out helps us to stay in touch with this moment. Mindfulness requires practice on a consistent basis.  Perhaps parent and teen can learn this together!

That is exactly why I have become very interested in Mindfulness for teenagers. Recent research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry (June, 2013) revealed that mindfulness could reduce stress and lessen symptoms of depression among high school age students and increase their well-being.

Uh oh—another study. Just what we need!!!  But I liked this one A-Lot. The Universities of Exeter and Cambridge in England enrolled 522 students between the ages of 12 and 16 during their summer exam period. 256 of the students completed a 9-week introductory mindfulness course; the others did not participate in that specific training. It was found that the ones who completed the course reported lower stress levels, less depression, and overall greater well-being.

Over the nine weeks, the students enrolled in the mindfulness course learned a different mindfulness skill each week including: recognizing worry, harnessing the power of attention, dealing with unpleasant feelings, and distancing from thoughts and emotions.

One of the interesting findings was that mindfulness training can help with the psychological well being of all students, not just those who have symptoms associated with mental health problems.  Mindfulness practiced by adults has been more widely researched and has shown to have the effects of lowering stress levels, enhancing sleep, increasing compassion and self-knowledge, and other health benefits. Fewer studies have focused solely on children and adolescents.

I believe a large part of teenage “angst” can be approached with mindfulness techniques.  I have incorporated them into my therapy practice, even with some of the children I see.  The practice of breathing, being in the here and now, focusing, attending, and learning are all part of teaching children and teens to be okay with themselves, become grounded, and self-aware. Not bad stuff to learn on the road to a healthy life.

If you have any questions about mindfulness or any other topic, please contact me.  I am always eager to respond to any inquiries!  Happy day and BREATHE.

ADHD–Part II

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ADHD, as stated in my last post, is one of the most common chronic health conditions for children.  Those with this condition have difficulty regulating their behaviors, attention, and/or impulsivity.  ADHD presents itself in school, home, and the community and can present challenges in each environment.

ASSESSMENT

A comprehensive assessment involving multiple methods conducted by multiple professionals within different settings is important for arriving at a diagnosis of this disorder. Too often the diagnosis of ADHD is made too quickly or by observation alone.  The assessment should consist of communication with the child’s medical professional, and other sources, including a psychologist, educational personnel, and family. A direct assessment of the child is also recommended. The assessment should address the age of onset of the symptoms, the degree that it impairs the child, and any other features.

How do we obtain information from different sources?  First, I believe a good history is essential, one involving the child’s health, family background, and when the child’s developmental milestones were reached. A thorough history is also ascertained from information provided by school records, the child’s physician, and family members, as well as any others who might be familiar with the child.

Secondly, a physical evaluation is essential (and oftentimes, a neurological evaluation is also indicated) to rule out other causes of the disorder.

Next, information obtained from family should address different settings and include ADHD parent and child rating scales or checklists, including the assessment of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The family assessment should also include structured and unstructured interviews.

School/classroom assessments are teacher-reported and can provide information including teacher rating scales and checklists of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, teacher narratives and reports, schoolwork, grades, and work samples, as well as specific data regarding the child’s behaviors in the classroom.

Finally, an assessment of coexisting conditions should take place that rule in or out other disorders that may include depression, learning disabilities, and anxiety, to name a few.

TREATMENT

There is no cure for ADHD at this time, but many treatments exist which are effective in the management of the disorder. When speaking of any treatment, most important is the education of the family and school staff about the nature of the disorder and its management for children. But among all of the treatments available, which ones are most effective?

The treatment that results in the greatest degree of improvement in the symptoms of ADHD is stimulant and nonstimulant medications.  Before medications are considered, though, academic and behavioral interventions and accommodations should be implemented for a reasonable time. Sometimes these interventions are effective alone.  According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), 80 percent of the children who use stimulant medications, either alone or with behavior therapy, show increased focus and decreased impulsivity. The most common stimulant medication, Ritalin, has been used for over 40 years in children and has shown to be safe. Strattera is a nonstimulant medication that is frequently used with children, as well. Antidepressants seem to be less effective, but are often used with those who have coexisting symptoms of mood disorders.  Some children may need a combination of medications depending on if they have other disorders along with their ADHD. There are side effects to these medications and they should be discussed with the physician who is in charge of prescribing them.

The decision to use medications can be a difficult one for parents, and rightly so!  If you do decide to try medication for your child’s ADHD, there must be close monitoring and frequent reassessment to decide if the treatment is working. Each decision about whether to try or not try medication should be based on what is best for the child as an individual.  There is a great deal of information available on the pros and cons of starting your child on ADHD medications.

Psychological treatments, such as behavior modification in school, social skills training, and parent training in child behavior management techniques have shown to have short- term effects.  Some studies suggest that once treatments end, so do the gains obtained (as with medication treatment, as well). Therefore, ADHD should be seen as a chronic condition that requires ongoing treatment for good, long-term management of the symptoms. Counseling can help parents and children understand the disorder, improve social skills, assist with behavioral interventions, and help those who are having difficulty coping.

Some children with ADHD may be eligible for special education services in the public schools under the Individual with Disabilities in Education Act – IDEA- and/or Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973. To qualify for these services, the symptoms of the ADHD must be interfering with the child’s ability to learn in school. Thus, the comprehensive evaluation is important to ascertain whether the school services are warranted.

In summary, the treatment of ADHD requires a comprehensive behavioral, psychological, educational, and sometimes medical evaluation, along with the education of family members as to what this disorder is and the methods proven to assist with its management. Once the ADHD condition is managed, those with this disorder can usually lead adjusted and productive lives.

Please feel free to comment about this topic.  I welcome your feedback!

How Can I Help My Child When Terror Strikes?

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My first blog post was dedicated to Mary Sherlach, the school psychologist who was violently gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The death of 20 innocent children and 5 additional staff members profoundly affected me, mainly because I spent 30 years working in public schools.  It’s hard to wrap your hands around such violence and tragedy when those images hit so close to home and when the ability to visualize the scenario seems so real.

Now, once again, the frightening news of the Boston Marathon bombings surrounds us. Thinking of all the injured and uninjured athletes who only wanted to compete and enjoy this sporting event, along with the onlookers who experienced the terror around them, has once again scarred Americans and people from around the globe. The availability of instant media access, Internet, and social media has allowed horrific images and constant news coverage to inundate our society.

But what about the children? As a parent, therapist, citizen, and educator, the death of an 8 year-old and the injuries suffered by several other children breaks my heart. Although we as adults try to process our own grief, we also need to help our children process theirs. How do we help our children understand terrorist attacks, frightening news, and their emotions surrounding these events?

These events are frightening. These events are upsetting. Children look to the reactions of their parents and other adults to figure out their own reactions. Parents can help their children by giving them a sense of security and safety. The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) offers the following suggestions for all adults when helping children cope with these events and working through their emotions:

  • Model calm and control. Children take cues from adults in their lives.  Avoid appearing anxious and frightened.
  • Reassure children that they are safe. Help point out factors that ensure their safety.
  • Remind children that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that first responders and the government are working to ensure that no further tragedies will occur.
  • Let children know that it is ok to feel upset and frightened.  Explain that when a tragedy occurs, it is ok to feel upset and that talking about their feelings helps.  Adults may need to help children express feelings appropriately.
  • Tell children the truth.  Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or is not serious. They may be more afraid if they think you are not telling them what is happening.
  • Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish the event or who might be responsible. With younger children, don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy.
  • Be careful to not stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the violence.  Children model parent’s negativity and develop prejudice. Talk tolerance and justice.  Stop any bullying or teasing immediately.
  • Explanations should be kept developmentally appropriate. Be a good listener to all children and allow them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings
    • Early Elementary children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that their daily structure will not change.
    • Upper Elementary and early middle school children will tend to ask more questions about whether they are really safe. Separation of reality from fantasy is important.
    • Upper Middle School and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in school and society. They will share suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They may become more committed to action to help the victims and affected community.
  • Maintain normal routines.
  • Monitor and/or restrict viewing repeated scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.  For older children, encourage accessing coverage from multiple news sources.
  • Observe children’s emotional states.  Many children will not verbally express their concerns. Look for changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns.  There is no right or wrong way to express fear or grief.
  • Be aware of children who are of greater risk.  This includes those who have experienced a past trauma, personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or those with special needs. Be observant of those who may be at risk for suicide. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your child.
  • Provide an appropriate outlet for children who desire to help.  Examples include cards, letters to families or survivors, thank you letters to doctors, first responders, nurses, etc.
  • Monitor your own stress level.  Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talk to friends, family, religious leader, and mental health workers.  Get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It is ok to let your children know that you are sad, but you believe things will improve.
  • Keep communication open between home and school.  School is where children can experience normalcy. Schools can inform families of additional resources. Also let your child’s teacher know if he/she is having particular difficulty with the present situation.

I hope these tips from NASP were helpful.  Please contact me with comments or suggestions for future topics.

Bedtime Blues or Bliss?

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One of the most frequent inquiries I get from parents involves children and bedtime issues. Even the best sleepers can go through a period of resistance to going to sleep. Why does this happen and what can you as a parent do to set up healthy sleep routines, or what I like to call a “sleep diet.”

Set bedtimes so your child gets the appropriate amount of sleep. Preschoolers generally require 11-13 hours/night, while school-aged children typically need about 10-11 hours.  Most children respond best to bedtime if a routine consisting of a set of activities that are the same EVERY night, including the weekends, is set up early in their lives. Activities may include a signal or warning that it is time to get ready for bed, readying for the next day (for older children), taking a bath, reading a book, conversing or maybe even singing a soothing song.

Still, some children refuse to go to sleep. Very young children may become fearful and experience separation anxiety (a general fear of something happening to their parent(s) while they are asleep). Children ages 4-6 may experience more specific fears, such as fear of monsters, darkness or fear of having a bad dream—all normal for this age group. In the 3-10 age range, disturbing dreams may occur, peaking at about age 10. And teenagers may suffer from disturbances in their sleep cycles due to puberty, hormonal imbalances or stressors such as growing up, college or career plans, relationships or other social concerns.

How parents handle the reasons for their child’s resistance or difficulty getting to bed will play an important part in outcomes. When the child’s resistance persists and becomes a learned behavior and parents give in to the child due to their own fatigue or other reasons, rules are relaxed and new behaviors pop up. The child learns that nagging, whining, crying, stalling, one more drink of water, etc. will put off going to bed.

You may be noticing a common theme in my posts—CONSISTENCY! As with time-out and grounding, consistency is the key. Inconsistency can turn good behaviors bad and make bad behaviors worse. When parents try to buckle down after rules have been loosened for a time, the child learns to push back harder to get what he/she wants. Riding this roller coaster may cause you and your child to lock horns in a battle over bedtime that nobody wants to endure.

So, as a parent, what can I do to attain bedtime bliss? Here are several suggestions:

  • Establish effective bedtime routines that include—the same bedtime each night, quiet time for one hour before bedtime, providing time cues for bedtime, story time, etc.  You set the routine however it works for your household, but once you’ve set it, keep it consistent!
  • Provide healthy daily routines for your child including good nutrition, physical activity during the day to promote sleep at night, and no violent video games or TV shows before bed.
  • One “get out of bed free” pass.  The child receives a ticket to be used ONCE per night to get a drink or ask a question of the parent. This ticket may not be used more than once per night. This technique may work for some as it feels like fun to your child and gives them a little leeway for any problem they may have getting to bed.
  • Planned ignoring is a technique in which the parent makes it clear that once the child is in bed and the routine is complete, no more interactions will occur.  If the child objects, then the parent ignores the child and provides no further attention.  That means NOT responding to questions, comments or statements from the child. If he gets out of bed, escort him back to bed with minimal interaction.  Expect an increase in negative behaviors for several nights, but the child will eventually learn to go to sleep without protest. This usually takes about three nights. Planned ignoring is often most difficult for parents; hence, set the routine early.

Next week, I will continue with this topic and focus on more serious sleep issues. Stay tuned, and as usual, send me a note and let me know what you think.  Any topics you want explored?

 

 

Beyond Time-Out: Challenges of the Older Child, Tween and Teen

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Several readers of this blog have commented to me that time-out is a useful tool with younger children, but what are they to do with their older children, tweens, or teens?

Remember, the idea of time-out is to withhold (i.e. take time-out from) positive reinforcement with the goal of reducing undesirable behavior. Sometimes traditional time-out (see blog posts 3 and 4) doesn’t work with an older child, tween or teen, and other negative consequences for reducing inappropriate behavior must be implemented.

For example, your 11-year-old is talking back to you and it’s becoming a problem within the house. She thinks time-out is for babies. You explain to Sally that talking back is an inappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated. You make it clear to Sally that every time she talks back to you, a privilege will be removed. Examples are: TV, telephone or cell phone use, staying up late, outside play time, electronic games, trip to the mall, etc. Construct a privilege list alone or together with Sally PRIOR to implementation of this technique. For each new day, when Sally talks back, an item is crossed off the list for that day. The procedure starts anew daily, allowing Sally to begin each day with a clean slate. Do not choose too MANY behaviors at first. Like time-out for younger children, concentrate on a few of the most troublesome behaviors that your child exhibits and focus on those, ignoring the less serious ones. Consistency is the key.

What if my teen misbehaves? Grounding is a technique that can be used for disciplining teens. Of course, grounding is effective with older children and tweens as well, but for now, let’s concentrate on your teenager. Grounding is like time-out in that your child is removed from a desirable activity for a period of time—things like borrowing the car, watching TV, computer time, telephone privileges, going out with friends, electronic gaming, etc.

When you utilize grounding with your teen, consider the following:

  • Discuss with your teen what grounding means. Make your expectations and rules clear; write them down and post if necessary.
  • Set an appropriate time limit on the grounding relative to the age of your child.  For a teen to lose the car for one week is not unreasonable, but a month may be too long. Remember that the grounding loses its effectiveness if the period of time of grounding is too long. Your child’s incentive for good behavior during the grounding may be lost.
  • When you are angry is NOT a good time to set a grounding limit. Calm down first and make a decision based on what you feel is reasonable for a specific unwanted behavior.
  • When you set the grounding limit based on thoughtfulness, do not change your mind. When parents give in and reduce the time of grounding your child will quickly learn that you won’t follow through.
  • So that the entire family is not punished for your teen’s misbehavior, make arrangements for that child if the family goes out. A sitter should be used so that the grounded child remains in the house while the family can still enjoy their outing.

As always, parents should not disagree with each other about discipline in front of their children. Be consistent by rewarding or punishing the same behavior in the same way as much as you can. Parents should agree with what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior and how to respond to both. When speaking to your child about unacceptable behavior, be very specific. Displeasure over a “messy kitchen” isn’t clear enough. Instead, be specific about what “messy” means. For example, the dishes are not in the dishwasher; the books are spread across the table; there are crumbs on the floor; etc. Reward desirable behavior as much as possible throughout the day, and remember that your children are modeling your behavior.

What behaviors exhibited by your teens are challenging to you?  Let me know by leaving a response or sending me feedback. As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy-Part 2

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Last week’s post focused on an introduction to the use of time-out. I emphasized the fact that your child must have the skill set to meet adult expectations before you consider using time-out. I also discussed defining appropriate behaviors for time-out, assigning time out areas (location) at home and at school, and preparing for the use of time-out at home. This week I will focus on the actual steps of implementing an effective time-out procedure.

When you are ready to implement a time-out, your child should be told quickly what behavior earned the time-out and what behaviors are required to end the time-out. Remember these important points: it is recommended that you NOT engage your child in a long dissertation about his/her behavior, and there should be NO negotiating, begging, or arguing, as that will only reinforce the inappropriate behaviors.

After you’ve identified the behavior and calmly stated why he/she is going to time-out, remove your child to your specific time-out area for brief and pre-determined periods of time.  A time-out should last no longer than 1 to 2 minutes for each year of the child’s age. For example, an 8-year-old will be in time-out for 8 minutes, a 2-year-old, 2 minutes, etc.  A child in time-out should be supervised for the entire period, with attention focused away from the child. Do not converse, engage, or play with your child.

When time-out is over, I like to use an audible signal to indicate that the child may come out of time-out. A kitchen timer, oven timer, microwave timer, or audible wristwatch may be used to signal that time-out has ended. In this way, the child learns to NOT leave time out until he hears the signal. (On many occasions, it will remind the adult, as well!).

The child may come out of time-out ONLY if their behavior is appropriate, i.e. sitting quietly for the final 30 seconds to 1 minute of the time-out. If you release your child from time-out during a tantrum, while screaming, or being disruptive, your child learns to express these behaviors to end the time-out. If your child refuses to leave time-out, ignore him/her. Do not engage in arguments at this time as it can lead to noncompliance with the time-out process.

When your child leaves time-out, he/she must complete the task or request that occurred just prior to the targeted behaviors. Allowing a child to use time-out to avoid a task or situation is counterproductive. For example, your 10-year-old spilled a glass of juice on the floor, resulting in a tantrum and refusal to clean the spill upon your request. After the 10 minutes in time-out, he/she will be required to clean up the spillage – not you.

When time-out occurs in a school situation, it should be shared with all staff involved with the child. How long the time-out lasted, the child’s behavior while in time-out and the behavior directly preceding or leading to the time-out should be documented and posted in entry/exit of the time-out location for other staff members.

Written documentation can reveal important data about your child and his/her behavior and the effectiveness of the time-out. It is imperative if your child is in time-out in school that proper documentation is recorded for every occurrence. However, I personally do not believe that documentation at home is as important as at school UNLESS your child’s behavior has become so problematic that documenting it would help other caregivers. In all situations, if the behaviors do not decrease after two weeks, then reevaluate the procedure, with one important exception—If the behaviors are dangerous, it is recommended that you not wait two weeks before seeking the help of a professional.

Of course, time-out does have limitations to consider. When in time-out, the child is removed from positive learning and/or social situations. For children with limited social skills, this is particularly concerning. Some children LIKE being alone and time-out is too reinforcing for them. Time-out can also be reinforcing to adults as it removes the difficult child, which can entice the adult to use time-out too frequently, for longer periods of time than recommended, or for other than targeted behaviors. That is why keeping a written log and reviewing it daily or weekly can be so important. If the log indicates that the procedure is not working, then the program may be tweaked to make it more effective.

Time-out is a very effective procedure for behavior change if used properly, with good planning, documentation, and review. I would love to hear your experiences with time-out with your children or students.  Please leave me a reply with your comments, suggestions, or possible future topics.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy

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As a follow up to my last post on temper tantrums, I wanted to focus this week on one of my favorite behavior change strategies—time-out. Time-out is often used incorrectly, so I’d like to provide some practical and useful tips and advice on the proper use of time-out.

Time-out is actually shortened from the phrase time-out from positive reinforcement.  In other words, you are removing a child from the opportunity to earn reinforcement when a specified misbehavior occurs. This reinforcement may be a treat, a preferred task or activity, attention from parent or teacher, a TV show, etc.

To implement a time-out approach, you must first identify the behavior(s) that are appropriate for time-out. Also, the child must have the skills to be able to comply with your demands. For example, if you ask your two-year-old child to clean her room, she probably doesn’t have the skill set to complete such a task, it might not be safe for her to complete the task alone, and developmentally she probably isn’t ready for such a multistep, complicated process. However, if she’s able to pick up her three stuffed animals and place them in her toy chest, then she has mastered ONE component of cleaning her room. It is NOT appropriate to punish a child for noncompliance when she does not have the skills to comply with your demands.

What’s an appropriate time-out location? Appropriate time out areas should be clean, safe, boring and in view of an adult supervisor. The area should not be frightening, threatening, nor provide access to TV’s, video games, music, or other enjoyable tasks. Time-out will not be successful if the designated location is a better place than the environment the child was in.  In other words, it is important to provide the child’s home or classroom with a high rate of positive reinforcement when the child is engaged in appropriate behaviors. The time-out area should be inside the home such as in a designated chair, bottom of a staircase, or the bathroom.  In a classroom, time-out is in a designated chair or a seat in another classroom, but never in unsupervised areas or in an unsupervised hallway.

When implementing time-out at home, preparation is a must. Consider the following:

  • Define appropriate behaviors for time-out, those which are measurable, observable, clearly stated, and known to the child.
  • A simple, written plan describing the procedure for time-out should be available to all caregivers in the home (i.e., babysitters, day care, etc.) and followed by all by agreement.
  • Rules should be followed as related to the target behaviors. These rules should be stated positively, observable, have been pre-taught, reviewed and re-reviewed regularly. Consider posting basic rules, as well.
  • Make sure that the child’s tasks are within his/her skill level.
  • Time-out areas in the home should always be monitored by an adult, be nonreinforcing for the child, and be realistic and appropriate.
  • Pre-teach your child about your time-out procedures, like a role-play situation, and before the child misbehaves for the first time. Have your child practice time-out steps, be able to state the behaviors that will initiate a time-out, and understand the expectations surrounding time-out. If the child is well practiced, it will be easier to get to time-out when he/she really needs it!
  • Do not reteach time-out procedures or explain procedures during an actual time-out. If further teaching is required, provide more role-play situations in a calm period.

How do I implement effective time-out procedures in my home, or away from my home?  I will answer this question and provide more time-out information in next week’s post. Let me know what you think, or if you have any questions regarding time-out, please feel free to post them here and I will respond to your inquiries.

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

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A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.