Category Archives: Violence

To Spank or Not to Spank? That is the Question!

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As my private practice continues to grow, I find it has become more difficult to keep up with blogging. My new goal is to try to complete a new entry at least once per month. Here we go:

Parents often ask me about spanking: Is it o.k. to spank? Should I try another type of discipline? My child doesn’t respond to timeout—what should I do? And on and on…. It is a controversial topic and one on which many parents disagree.

After 30 years in public education and 1 ½ in private practice, I have never waivered in regards to my feelings about spanking. I don’t believe any type of physical hitting or violence is ever justified. Although my own children will tell you that I have raised my voice on more than one occasion when feeling an urgent amount of stress, I never resorted to hitting, spanking or any physical violence as they grew up. I think it’s fair to say that all parents want to raise kind, motivated, responsible, non-violent and confident children. It is my personal and professional belief that hitting and/or spanking actually undermines these goals.

Just this week, an article in the journal Pediatrics outlined the results of a study titled Spanking and Child Development Across the First Decade of Life, in which researchers examined the relationship between spanking and children’s behavior and vocabulary through age 9. Parental reports of spanking were assessed at ages 3 and 5, along with instances of aggressive behavior.

Overall, 57% of mothers and 40% of fathers engaged in spanking when children were age 3, and 52% of mothers and 33% of fathers engaged in spanking with children at age 5. Maternal spanking at age 5, even at low levels, was associated with levels of child aggressive behavior at age 9. Fathers’ high-frequency spanking of children at age 5 was associated with lower child receptive vocabulary scores at age 9.

The authors concluded that not only is spanking still used as a typical form of discipline by many American parents, but also that spanking has proven to have negative effects on both the behavior and cognitive development of young children.

I found this study to be interesting for several reasons: 1) The actual percentage of “spankers” was a bit higher than I realized; 2) Throughout my career, I have consistently counseled/educated/voiced my opinion to parents about the importance of NOT spanking, hitting or perpetrating any form of violence on their children, thus this study validated my beliefs; and 3) the study is current, had a large sample, and used a control population, deeming is scientifically sound.

Like many things, it’s easy to tell parents NOT to spank, but that’s just not enough—we must provide them education about other more healthy techniques for managing their children’s behavior (see my earlier posts about time-out, for example).

More emphasis needs to be placed on providing children the tools necessary to resolve conflicts without hitting, to manage stress in their lives, to learn empathy for others and to communicate and interact with others respectfully. Spanking is a short-term response that ultimately fails to teach children what we want them to learn over a long period of time.

So, if To Spank or Not to Spank is the question, the outcome of this study suggests that Not to Spank is most definitely the answer.

Please tell me how you feel about this topic by leaving a response above.  If you feel that you need to speak to a helping professional, contact me, your child’s teacher/school, or seek counseling from a reliable therapist. As always, thank you kindly for reading.

How Can I Help My Child When Terror Strikes?

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My first blog post was dedicated to Mary Sherlach, the school psychologist who was violently gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The death of 20 innocent children and 5 additional staff members profoundly affected me, mainly because I spent 30 years working in public schools.  It’s hard to wrap your hands around such violence and tragedy when those images hit so close to home and when the ability to visualize the scenario seems so real.

Now, once again, the frightening news of the Boston Marathon bombings surrounds us. Thinking of all the injured and uninjured athletes who only wanted to compete and enjoy this sporting event, along with the onlookers who experienced the terror around them, has once again scarred Americans and people from around the globe. The availability of instant media access, Internet, and social media has allowed horrific images and constant news coverage to inundate our society.

But what about the children? As a parent, therapist, citizen, and educator, the death of an 8 year-old and the injuries suffered by several other children breaks my heart. Although we as adults try to process our own grief, we also need to help our children process theirs. How do we help our children understand terrorist attacks, frightening news, and their emotions surrounding these events?

These events are frightening. These events are upsetting. Children look to the reactions of their parents and other adults to figure out their own reactions. Parents can help their children by giving them a sense of security and safety. The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) offers the following suggestions for all adults when helping children cope with these events and working through their emotions:

  • Model calm and control. Children take cues from adults in their lives.  Avoid appearing anxious and frightened.
  • Reassure children that they are safe. Help point out factors that ensure their safety.
  • Remind children that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that first responders and the government are working to ensure that no further tragedies will occur.
  • Let children know that it is ok to feel upset and frightened.  Explain that when a tragedy occurs, it is ok to feel upset and that talking about their feelings helps.  Adults may need to help children express feelings appropriately.
  • Tell children the truth.  Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or is not serious. They may be more afraid if they think you are not telling them what is happening.
  • Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish the event or who might be responsible. With younger children, don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy.
  • Be careful to not stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the violence.  Children model parent’s negativity and develop prejudice. Talk tolerance and justice.  Stop any bullying or teasing immediately.
  • Explanations should be kept developmentally appropriate. Be a good listener to all children and allow them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings
    • Early Elementary children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that their daily structure will not change.
    • Upper Elementary and early middle school children will tend to ask more questions about whether they are really safe. Separation of reality from fantasy is important.
    • Upper Middle School and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in school and society. They will share suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They may become more committed to action to help the victims and affected community.
  • Maintain normal routines.
  • Monitor and/or restrict viewing repeated scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.  For older children, encourage accessing coverage from multiple news sources.
  • Observe children’s emotional states.  Many children will not verbally express their concerns. Look for changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns.  There is no right or wrong way to express fear or grief.
  • Be aware of children who are of greater risk.  This includes those who have experienced a past trauma, personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or those with special needs. Be observant of those who may be at risk for suicide. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your child.
  • Provide an appropriate outlet for children who desire to help.  Examples include cards, letters to families or survivors, thank you letters to doctors, first responders, nurses, etc.
  • Monitor your own stress level.  Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talk to friends, family, religious leader, and mental health workers.  Get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It is ok to let your children know that you are sad, but you believe things will improve.
  • Keep communication open between home and school.  School is where children can experience normalcy. Schools can inform families of additional resources. Also let your child’s teacher know if he/she is having particular difficulty with the present situation.

I hope these tips from NASP were helpful.  Please contact me with comments or suggestions for future topics.

Will Giving Teachers Guns Really Make Schools Safer?

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The tragedy in Newton, CT has created a national and state gun control debate with emotions often running high on all sides. It is a very complex issue with many branches of concern: gun ownership and background checks, access to ammunition, availability of mental health services (and lack thereof), and constitutional issues, to name just a few.

One question that repeatedly arises is whether school personnel should carry guns on school campuses. Let me start by saying I am firmly opposed to arming teachers, or any school staff for that matter. I have always believed that schools should be violence-free zones that support the primary mission of LEARNING. In instances where police officers are employed to protect our children, guns carried by those individuals align with their duty and training. But, after a 30-year career in public education, I cannot fathom that the act of teachers “packing” will make children feel safer, their parents feel safer, staff feel safer, or create any sense of an overall “safe” school community.

Our challenge is to act together to foster an environment in which children and staff feel safe and nurtured, and where the prevention of violence in the first place is equal to the goal of learning.

How do we get there? What will it take? We should always be looking ahead toward improvement, whether in our jobs, in our neighborhoods and towns, and of course, in our schools. How can we make our schools both safer and better prepared for emergencies?

NASP (National Association for School Psychologists) has been instrumental in proposing policy and practice recommendations to most effectively address school safety. One recommendation is to increase the availability of mental health services in schools across the country.

President Obama’s task force has suggested placing additional school psychologists, social workers, and resource officers in schools to address the increasing need for mental health services for students and staff. As a counselor and school psychologist, and one who personally knows the value of these services, I believe this should be of the highest priority. There are always too few mental health providers employed in schools to meet the increasingly complex needs of far too many students and families.

Other NASP recommendations include: creating safe and supportive schools that promote learning, psychological health, and student success; considering both the physical and psychological health of students (when children feel unsafe, their ability to learn and concentrate suffers); improving screening and threat assessment procedures to identify and help individuals at risk for causing harm to themselves and others; establishing and training school crisis and safety teams; reducing the stigma around mental health; addressing as a society children’s exposure to violence on TV, in video games, and in homes and neighborhoods, especially in vulnerable populations; and finally, current policies and legislation related to access to firearms by those who have the potential to cause harm to themselves or others must be addressed.

This is a monumental and multifaceted challenge to consider, and yet a necessary one. Tell me what you think about these proposals and how they will affect you or your children. Could you add to the above list of recommendations?  Please leave a response. I would love to hear from you!