Tag Archives: parenting

Bedtime Blues or Bliss?

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One of the most frequent inquiries I get from parents involves children and bedtime issues. Even the best sleepers can go through a period of resistance to going to sleep. Why does this happen and what can you as a parent do to set up healthy sleep routines, or what I like to call a “sleep diet.”

Set bedtimes so your child gets the appropriate amount of sleep. Preschoolers generally require 11-13 hours/night, while school-aged children typically need about 10-11 hours.  Most children respond best to bedtime if a routine consisting of a set of activities that are the same EVERY night, including the weekends, is set up early in their lives. Activities may include a signal or warning that it is time to get ready for bed, readying for the next day (for older children), taking a bath, reading a book, conversing or maybe even singing a soothing song.

Still, some children refuse to go to sleep. Very young children may become fearful and experience separation anxiety (a general fear of something happening to their parent(s) while they are asleep). Children ages 4-6 may experience more specific fears, such as fear of monsters, darkness or fear of having a bad dream—all normal for this age group. In the 3-10 age range, disturbing dreams may occur, peaking at about age 10. And teenagers may suffer from disturbances in their sleep cycles due to puberty, hormonal imbalances or stressors such as growing up, college or career plans, relationships or other social concerns.

How parents handle the reasons for their child’s resistance or difficulty getting to bed will play an important part in outcomes. When the child’s resistance persists and becomes a learned behavior and parents give in to the child due to their own fatigue or other reasons, rules are relaxed and new behaviors pop up. The child learns that nagging, whining, crying, stalling, one more drink of water, etc. will put off going to bed.

You may be noticing a common theme in my posts—CONSISTENCY! As with time-out and grounding, consistency is the key. Inconsistency can turn good behaviors bad and make bad behaviors worse. When parents try to buckle down after rules have been loosened for a time, the child learns to push back harder to get what he/she wants. Riding this roller coaster may cause you and your child to lock horns in a battle over bedtime that nobody wants to endure.

So, as a parent, what can I do to attain bedtime bliss? Here are several suggestions:

  • Establish effective bedtime routines that include—the same bedtime each night, quiet time for one hour before bedtime, providing time cues for bedtime, story time, etc.  You set the routine however it works for your household, but once you’ve set it, keep it consistent!
  • Provide healthy daily routines for your child including good nutrition, physical activity during the day to promote sleep at night, and no violent video games or TV shows before bed.
  • One “get out of bed free” pass.  The child receives a ticket to be used ONCE per night to get a drink or ask a question of the parent. This ticket may not be used more than once per night. This technique may work for some as it feels like fun to your child and gives them a little leeway for any problem they may have getting to bed.
  • Planned ignoring is a technique in which the parent makes it clear that once the child is in bed and the routine is complete, no more interactions will occur.  If the child objects, then the parent ignores the child and provides no further attention.  That means NOT responding to questions, comments or statements from the child. If he gets out of bed, escort him back to bed with minimal interaction.  Expect an increase in negative behaviors for several nights, but the child will eventually learn to go to sleep without protest. This usually takes about three nights. Planned ignoring is often most difficult for parents; hence, set the routine early.

Next week, I will continue with this topic and focus on more serious sleep issues. Stay tuned, and as usual, send me a note and let me know what you think.  Any topics you want explored?

 

 

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

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A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.