Category Archives: Grief

How Can I Help My Child When Terror Strikes?

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My first blog post was dedicated to Mary Sherlach, the school psychologist who was violently gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The death of 20 innocent children and 5 additional staff members profoundly affected me, mainly because I spent 30 years working in public schools.  It’s hard to wrap your hands around such violence and tragedy when those images hit so close to home and when the ability to visualize the scenario seems so real.

Now, once again, the frightening news of the Boston Marathon bombings surrounds us. Thinking of all the injured and uninjured athletes who only wanted to compete and enjoy this sporting event, along with the onlookers who experienced the terror around them, has once again scarred Americans and people from around the globe. The availability of instant media access, Internet, and social media has allowed horrific images and constant news coverage to inundate our society.

But what about the children? As a parent, therapist, citizen, and educator, the death of an 8 year-old and the injuries suffered by several other children breaks my heart. Although we as adults try to process our own grief, we also need to help our children process theirs. How do we help our children understand terrorist attacks, frightening news, and their emotions surrounding these events?

These events are frightening. These events are upsetting. Children look to the reactions of their parents and other adults to figure out their own reactions. Parents can help their children by giving them a sense of security and safety. The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) offers the following suggestions for all adults when helping children cope with these events and working through their emotions:

  • Model calm and control. Children take cues from adults in their lives.  Avoid appearing anxious and frightened.
  • Reassure children that they are safe. Help point out factors that ensure their safety.
  • Remind children that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that first responders and the government are working to ensure that no further tragedies will occur.
  • Let children know that it is ok to feel upset and frightened.  Explain that when a tragedy occurs, it is ok to feel upset and that talking about their feelings helps.  Adults may need to help children express feelings appropriately.
  • Tell children the truth.  Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or is not serious. They may be more afraid if they think you are not telling them what is happening.
  • Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish the event or who might be responsible. With younger children, don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy.
  • Be careful to not stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the violence.  Children model parent’s negativity and develop prejudice. Talk tolerance and justice.  Stop any bullying or teasing immediately.
  • Explanations should be kept developmentally appropriate. Be a good listener to all children and allow them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings
    • Early Elementary children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that their daily structure will not change.
    • Upper Elementary and early middle school children will tend to ask more questions about whether they are really safe. Separation of reality from fantasy is important.
    • Upper Middle School and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in school and society. They will share suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They may become more committed to action to help the victims and affected community.
  • Maintain normal routines.
  • Monitor and/or restrict viewing repeated scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.  For older children, encourage accessing coverage from multiple news sources.
  • Observe children’s emotional states.  Many children will not verbally express their concerns. Look for changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns.  There is no right or wrong way to express fear or grief.
  • Be aware of children who are of greater risk.  This includes those who have experienced a past trauma, personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or those with special needs. Be observant of those who may be at risk for suicide. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your child.
  • Provide an appropriate outlet for children who desire to help.  Examples include cards, letters to families or survivors, thank you letters to doctors, first responders, nurses, etc.
  • Monitor your own stress level.  Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talk to friends, family, religious leader, and mental health workers.  Get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition. It is ok to let your children know that you are sad, but you believe things will improve.
  • Keep communication open between home and school.  School is where children can experience normalcy. Schools can inform families of additional resources. Also let your child’s teacher know if he/she is having particular difficulty with the present situation.

I hope these tips from NASP were helpful.  Please contact me with comments or suggestions for future topics.

Mary Sherlach: School Psychologist, Teacher, Hero

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This is a beginning for me in many ways. After 30 years in public education, I am developing a private practice and launching my first EVER blog. This first post is dedicated to the memory of Mary Sherlach, school psychologist, who was killed in the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School when she charged out of a meeting upon hearing gunshots in the hallway.

While I never actually met Mary, as a fellow school psychologist, I feel like I knew her personally. We were similar in many ways—nearly identical in age; both married with two children; she was to retire soon while I had recently retired from a nearby school district; and most notably, from what I’ve read, we both cherished our careers working with children and families and felt honored to be able to help others.

I was deeply impacted by the horrific nature of her death. Having been in similar such meetings countless times during the course of my career, I continue to visualize this scenario over and over in my own mind.  As I listened to news reports and read endless articles about Mary’s act of courage, tears flowed from recognition of her instinctual response to run into the face of danger in order to help others, with no second thoughts about herself or her own safety.

But even though intellectually I understand her actions, asking “why” is a normal response to sudden tragedies, and mental health professionals aren’t immune to questioning.

Over the days and weeks following the Newtown incident, I repeatedly questioned (and continue to question) why this talented woman who dedicated her entire career serving children and families, a woman acclaimed by colleagues, family and students, could in one minute be likely discussing a student’s future and in the next be so violently taken from this earth. What began as a typical day with Mary working quietly behind the scenes to help create a successful school experience for the children at Sandy Hook, ended with her name splashed across the front pages of newspapers across the country.

As time passes, I realize that my strong reaction is not only for the senseless deaths of those 20 precious children and 6 staff members, but also for Mary’s bravery, her display of amazing courage and caring, and how proud I am to be a school psychologist like her.

Mary was quickly and rightfully labeled a hero for her selfless actions. And while I enjoy the luxury of embarking on this next phase in my life, I dedicate this to Mary Sherlach, school psychologist, wife, mother, friend, teacher, hero.

Please feel free to respond with your thoughts and/or comments. I welcome your feedback.