Bedtime Blues or Bliss?

Posted on by

One of the most frequent inquiries I get from parents involves children and bedtime issues. Even the best sleepers can go through a period of resistance to going to sleep. Why does this happen and what can you as a parent do to set up healthy sleep routines, or what I like to call a “sleep diet.”

Set bedtimes so your child gets the appropriate amount of sleep. Preschoolers generally require 11-13 hours/night, while school-aged children typically need about 10-11 hours.  Most children respond best to bedtime if a routine consisting of a set of activities that are the same EVERY night, including the weekends, is set up early in their lives. Activities may include a signal or warning that it is time to get ready for bed, readying for the next day (for older children), taking a bath, reading a book, conversing or maybe even singing a soothing song.

Still, some children refuse to go to sleep. Very young children may become fearful and experience separation anxiety (a general fear of something happening to their parent(s) while they are asleep). Children ages 4-6 may experience more specific fears, such as fear of monsters, darkness or fear of having a bad dream—all normal for this age group. In the 3-10 age range, disturbing dreams may occur, peaking at about age 10. And teenagers may suffer from disturbances in their sleep cycles due to puberty, hormonal imbalances or stressors such as growing up, college or career plans, relationships or other social concerns.

How parents handle the reasons for their child’s resistance or difficulty getting to bed will play an important part in outcomes. When the child’s resistance persists and becomes a learned behavior and parents give in to the child due to their own fatigue or other reasons, rules are relaxed and new behaviors pop up. The child learns that nagging, whining, crying, stalling, one more drink of water, etc. will put off going to bed.

You may be noticing a common theme in my posts—CONSISTENCY! As with time-out and grounding, consistency is the key. Inconsistency can turn good behaviors bad and make bad behaviors worse. When parents try to buckle down after rules have been loosened for a time, the child learns to push back harder to get what he/she wants. Riding this roller coaster may cause you and your child to lock horns in a battle over bedtime that nobody wants to endure.

So, as a parent, what can I do to attain bedtime bliss? Here are several suggestions:

  • Establish effective bedtime routines that include—the same bedtime each night, quiet time for one hour before bedtime, providing time cues for bedtime, story time, etc.  You set the routine however it works for your household, but once you’ve set it, keep it consistent!
  • Provide healthy daily routines for your child including good nutrition, physical activity during the day to promote sleep at night, and no violent video games or TV shows before bed.
  • One “get out of bed free” pass.  The child receives a ticket to be used ONCE per night to get a drink or ask a question of the parent. This ticket may not be used more than once per night. This technique may work for some as it feels like fun to your child and gives them a little leeway for any problem they may have getting to bed.
  • Planned ignoring is a technique in which the parent makes it clear that once the child is in bed and the routine is complete, no more interactions will occur.  If the child objects, then the parent ignores the child and provides no further attention.  That means NOT responding to questions, comments or statements from the child. If he gets out of bed, escort him back to bed with minimal interaction.  Expect an increase in negative behaviors for several nights, but the child will eventually learn to go to sleep without protest. This usually takes about three nights. Planned ignoring is often most difficult for parents; hence, set the routine early.

Next week, I will continue with this topic and focus on more serious sleep issues. Stay tuned, and as usual, send me a note and let me know what you think.  Any topics you want explored?

 

 

Beyond Time-Out: Challenges of the Older Child, Tween and Teen

Posted on by

Several readers of this blog have commented to me that time-out is a useful tool with younger children, but what are they to do with their older children, tweens, or teens?

Remember, the idea of time-out is to withhold (i.e. take time-out from) positive reinforcement with the goal of reducing undesirable behavior. Sometimes traditional time-out (see blog posts 3 and 4) doesn’t work with an older child, tween or teen, and other negative consequences for reducing inappropriate behavior must be implemented.

For example, your 11-year-old is talking back to you and it’s becoming a problem within the house. She thinks time-out is for babies. You explain to Sally that talking back is an inappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated. You make it clear to Sally that every time she talks back to you, a privilege will be removed. Examples are: TV, telephone or cell phone use, staying up late, outside play time, electronic games, trip to the mall, etc. Construct a privilege list alone or together with Sally PRIOR to implementation of this technique. For each new day, when Sally talks back, an item is crossed off the list for that day. The procedure starts anew daily, allowing Sally to begin each day with a clean slate. Do not choose too MANY behaviors at first. Like time-out for younger children, concentrate on a few of the most troublesome behaviors that your child exhibits and focus on those, ignoring the less serious ones. Consistency is the key.

What if my teen misbehaves? Grounding is a technique that can be used for disciplining teens. Of course, grounding is effective with older children and tweens as well, but for now, let’s concentrate on your teenager. Grounding is like time-out in that your child is removed from a desirable activity for a period of time—things like borrowing the car, watching TV, computer time, telephone privileges, going out with friends, electronic gaming, etc.

When you utilize grounding with your teen, consider the following:

  • Discuss with your teen what grounding means. Make your expectations and rules clear; write them down and post if necessary.
  • Set an appropriate time limit on the grounding relative to the age of your child.  For a teen to lose the car for one week is not unreasonable, but a month may be too long. Remember that the grounding loses its effectiveness if the period of time of grounding is too long. Your child’s incentive for good behavior during the grounding may be lost.
  • When you are angry is NOT a good time to set a grounding limit. Calm down first and make a decision based on what you feel is reasonable for a specific unwanted behavior.
  • When you set the grounding limit based on thoughtfulness, do not change your mind. When parents give in and reduce the time of grounding your child will quickly learn that you won’t follow through.
  • So that the entire family is not punished for your teen’s misbehavior, make arrangements for that child if the family goes out. A sitter should be used so that the grounded child remains in the house while the family can still enjoy their outing.

As always, parents should not disagree with each other about discipline in front of their children. Be consistent by rewarding or punishing the same behavior in the same way as much as you can. Parents should agree with what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior and how to respond to both. When speaking to your child about unacceptable behavior, be very specific. Displeasure over a “messy kitchen” isn’t clear enough. Instead, be specific about what “messy” means. For example, the dishes are not in the dishwasher; the books are spread across the table; there are crumbs on the floor; etc. Reward desirable behavior as much as possible throughout the day, and remember that your children are modeling your behavior.

What behaviors exhibited by your teens are challenging to you?  Let me know by leaving a response or sending me feedback. As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy-Part 2

Posted on by

Last week’s post focused on an introduction to the use of time-out. I emphasized the fact that your child must have the skill set to meet adult expectations before you consider using time-out. I also discussed defining appropriate behaviors for time-out, assigning time out areas (location) at home and at school, and preparing for the use of time-out at home. This week I will focus on the actual steps of implementing an effective time-out procedure.

When you are ready to implement a time-out, your child should be told quickly what behavior earned the time-out and what behaviors are required to end the time-out. Remember these important points: it is recommended that you NOT engage your child in a long dissertation about his/her behavior, and there should be NO negotiating, begging, or arguing, as that will only reinforce the inappropriate behaviors.

After you’ve identified the behavior and calmly stated why he/she is going to time-out, remove your child to your specific time-out area for brief and pre-determined periods of time.  A time-out should last no longer than 1 to 2 minutes for each year of the child’s age. For example, an 8-year-old will be in time-out for 8 minutes, a 2-year-old, 2 minutes, etc.  A child in time-out should be supervised for the entire period, with attention focused away from the child. Do not converse, engage, or play with your child.

When time-out is over, I like to use an audible signal to indicate that the child may come out of time-out. A kitchen timer, oven timer, microwave timer, or audible wristwatch may be used to signal that time-out has ended. In this way, the child learns to NOT leave time out until he hears the signal. (On many occasions, it will remind the adult, as well!).

The child may come out of time-out ONLY if their behavior is appropriate, i.e. sitting quietly for the final 30 seconds to 1 minute of the time-out. If you release your child from time-out during a tantrum, while screaming, or being disruptive, your child learns to express these behaviors to end the time-out. If your child refuses to leave time-out, ignore him/her. Do not engage in arguments at this time as it can lead to noncompliance with the time-out process.

When your child leaves time-out, he/she must complete the task or request that occurred just prior to the targeted behaviors. Allowing a child to use time-out to avoid a task or situation is counterproductive. For example, your 10-year-old spilled a glass of juice on the floor, resulting in a tantrum and refusal to clean the spill upon your request. After the 10 minutes in time-out, he/she will be required to clean up the spillage – not you.

When time-out occurs in a school situation, it should be shared with all staff involved with the child. How long the time-out lasted, the child’s behavior while in time-out and the behavior directly preceding or leading to the time-out should be documented and posted in entry/exit of the time-out location for other staff members.

Written documentation can reveal important data about your child and his/her behavior and the effectiveness of the time-out. It is imperative if your child is in time-out in school that proper documentation is recorded for every occurrence. However, I personally do not believe that documentation at home is as important as at school UNLESS your child’s behavior has become so problematic that documenting it would help other caregivers. In all situations, if the behaviors do not decrease after two weeks, then reevaluate the procedure, with one important exception—If the behaviors are dangerous, it is recommended that you not wait two weeks before seeking the help of a professional.

Of course, time-out does have limitations to consider. When in time-out, the child is removed from positive learning and/or social situations. For children with limited social skills, this is particularly concerning. Some children LIKE being alone and time-out is too reinforcing for them. Time-out can also be reinforcing to adults as it removes the difficult child, which can entice the adult to use time-out too frequently, for longer periods of time than recommended, or for other than targeted behaviors. That is why keeping a written log and reviewing it daily or weekly can be so important. If the log indicates that the procedure is not working, then the program may be tweaked to make it more effective.

Time-out is a very effective procedure for behavior change if used properly, with good planning, documentation, and review. I would love to hear your experiences with time-out with your children or students.  Please leave me a reply with your comments, suggestions, or possible future topics.

Time-Out! Make the Most of this Behavior Change Strategy

Posted on by

As a follow up to my last post on temper tantrums, I wanted to focus this week on one of my favorite behavior change strategies—time-out. Time-out is often used incorrectly, so I’d like to provide some practical and useful tips and advice on the proper use of time-out.

Time-out is actually shortened from the phrase time-out from positive reinforcement.  In other words, you are removing a child from the opportunity to earn reinforcement when a specified misbehavior occurs. This reinforcement may be a treat, a preferred task or activity, attention from parent or teacher, a TV show, etc.

To implement a time-out approach, you must first identify the behavior(s) that are appropriate for time-out. Also, the child must have the skills to be able to comply with your demands. For example, if you ask your two-year-old child to clean her room, she probably doesn’t have the skill set to complete such a task, it might not be safe for her to complete the task alone, and developmentally she probably isn’t ready for such a multistep, complicated process. However, if she’s able to pick up her three stuffed animals and place them in her toy chest, then she has mastered ONE component of cleaning her room. It is NOT appropriate to punish a child for noncompliance when she does not have the skills to comply with your demands.

What’s an appropriate time-out location? Appropriate time out areas should be clean, safe, boring and in view of an adult supervisor. The area should not be frightening, threatening, nor provide access to TV’s, video games, music, or other enjoyable tasks. Time-out will not be successful if the designated location is a better place than the environment the child was in.  In other words, it is important to provide the child’s home or classroom with a high rate of positive reinforcement when the child is engaged in appropriate behaviors. The time-out area should be inside the home such as in a designated chair, bottom of a staircase, or the bathroom.  In a classroom, time-out is in a designated chair or a seat in another classroom, but never in unsupervised areas or in an unsupervised hallway.

When implementing time-out at home, preparation is a must. Consider the following:

  • Define appropriate behaviors for time-out, those which are measurable, observable, clearly stated, and known to the child.
  • A simple, written plan describing the procedure for time-out should be available to all caregivers in the home (i.e., babysitters, day care, etc.) and followed by all by agreement.
  • Rules should be followed as related to the target behaviors. These rules should be stated positively, observable, have been pre-taught, reviewed and re-reviewed regularly. Consider posting basic rules, as well.
  • Make sure that the child’s tasks are within his/her skill level.
  • Time-out areas in the home should always be monitored by an adult, be nonreinforcing for the child, and be realistic and appropriate.
  • Pre-teach your child about your time-out procedures, like a role-play situation, and before the child misbehaves for the first time. Have your child practice time-out steps, be able to state the behaviors that will initiate a time-out, and understand the expectations surrounding time-out. If the child is well practiced, it will be easier to get to time-out when he/she really needs it!
  • Do not reteach time-out procedures or explain procedures during an actual time-out. If further teaching is required, provide more role-play situations in a calm period.

How do I implement effective time-out procedures in my home, or away from my home?  I will answer this question and provide more time-out information in next week’s post. Let me know what you think, or if you have any questions regarding time-out, please feel free to post them here and I will respond to your inquiries.

HELP! My Child Is Having Temper Tantrums!

Posted on by

A large part of my career as a school psychologist consisted of consulting with parents and teachers about a wide variety of topics. In 25 years, I believe I may have heard it all!  One of the most popular questions I’ve been asked is what to do about temper tantrums.  The answer isn’t easy, mainly due to the fact that children have different temperaments.  How parents and teachers handle temper tantrums is important and consistency may be the best medicine!

Temper tantrums are developmentally driven, beginning at about age 1 ½ and continuing sometimes until the child is 4. Between ages 1 ½ and 2, youngsters are testing limits and can become easily frustrated by striving for independence and control of their environment. They are eager to explore, while parents try to keep their children safe.  Power struggles may ensue as the two objectives collide. The child may continue until his demands are met. We all know that giving in is so easy, while arguing, talking, and reasoning may only lead to escalation of the tantrum.

By age 3, many children have the ability to use language and may be more able to express their needs with words. Tantrums usually decrease both in intensity and frequency at this age. However, in the third year, the child may continue to tantrum to get what he wants as a learned mechanism. By age 4, most children have the language skills to express what they want, are able to secure what they need without adult intervention, and physically can navigate their environment alone. Tantrums may lessen, but new demands, interpersonally and academically, may still lead to frustration in some individuals. Older children may tantrum as well, due to academic difficulties, transitioning from one task to another, sleep issues, interpersonal concerns, hunger, or other frustrating or difficult events.

When your child tantrums, there are a number of ways to handle the situation. This list is not inclusive and if your child’s tantrums cannot be handled at home or school for any reason, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health expert.

  • Stay calm and do not argue with your child. Spanking and yelling will only make the tantrum increase in intensity.
  • Give your child a “warning.” Remind her that she is revving up and needs to calm down. Offering the distraction of a safe or more appropriate activity (i.e. giving a safe toy to replace an unsafe one) sometimes works to calm a tantrum.
  • Ignoring the tantrum is appropriate if you feel it is enacted to get your attention.  Give attention only when your child is calm.
  • Hold your child if he appears in danger of harming himself or others.
  • If the child will not calm down, then time-out is appropriate using the guidelines of 1 minute for each year of the child’s age:  2 years—2 minutes; 3 years—3 minutes, 4 years—4 minutes, etc.  Have a time-out chair or area in your home pre-determined.  If you are out in public, carry your child outside or to your car and let the child know that you will go home if he does not calm down and then DO IT.
  • After the child is calm, talk to her about her frustrations, how she can solve this problem in the future, and brainstorm more appropriate behaviors.

Remember that you know your child and his or her temperament best. Never give into a tantrum because that will only make the intensity and frequency of the tantrum increase in the future. Do not offer rewards to your child for calming after a tantrum, as the child will learn that a treat will follow the same behavior in the future. Immediately following a tantrum is the perfect opportunity for a good teaching moment. Speak to your child about feelings of anger and frustration; let him or her know that these feelings are normal and explain how to handle them in the future.

When do I need to get professional help for my child? If these interventions do not seem to be working and the tantrums are only getting worse, you should consult your family’s physician or a mental health professional. Don’t ignore the following signs for concern: Tantrums are becoming more intense or increasing in frequency; tantrums that co-exist with self-injurious behaviors, depression, poor peer relationships, aggressiveness and learning problems, to name a few. When in doubt, seek assistance from a trained professional.

Will Giving Teachers Guns Really Make Schools Safer?

Posted on by

The tragedy in Newton, CT has created a national and state gun control debate with emotions often running high on all sides. It is a very complex issue with many branches of concern: gun ownership and background checks, access to ammunition, availability of mental health services (and lack thereof), and constitutional issues, to name just a few.

One question that repeatedly arises is whether school personnel should carry guns on school campuses. Let me start by saying I am firmly opposed to arming teachers, or any school staff for that matter. I have always believed that schools should be violence-free zones that support the primary mission of LEARNING. In instances where police officers are employed to protect our children, guns carried by those individuals align with their duty and training. But, after a 30-year career in public education, I cannot fathom that the act of teachers “packing” will make children feel safer, their parents feel safer, staff feel safer, or create any sense of an overall “safe” school community.

Our challenge is to act together to foster an environment in which children and staff feel safe and nurtured, and where the prevention of violence in the first place is equal to the goal of learning.

How do we get there? What will it take? We should always be looking ahead toward improvement, whether in our jobs, in our neighborhoods and towns, and of course, in our schools. How can we make our schools both safer and better prepared for emergencies?

NASP (National Association for School Psychologists) has been instrumental in proposing policy and practice recommendations to most effectively address school safety. One recommendation is to increase the availability of mental health services in schools across the country.

President Obama’s task force has suggested placing additional school psychologists, social workers, and resource officers in schools to address the increasing need for mental health services for students and staff. As a counselor and school psychologist, and one who personally knows the value of these services, I believe this should be of the highest priority. There are always too few mental health providers employed in schools to meet the increasingly complex needs of far too many students and families.

Other NASP recommendations include: creating safe and supportive schools that promote learning, psychological health, and student success; considering both the physical and psychological health of students (when children feel unsafe, their ability to learn and concentrate suffers); improving screening and threat assessment procedures to identify and help individuals at risk for causing harm to themselves and others; establishing and training school crisis and safety teams; reducing the stigma around mental health; addressing as a society children’s exposure to violence on TV, in video games, and in homes and neighborhoods, especially in vulnerable populations; and finally, current policies and legislation related to access to firearms by those who have the potential to cause harm to themselves or others must be addressed.

This is a monumental and multifaceted challenge to consider, and yet a necessary one. Tell me what you think about these proposals and how they will affect you or your children. Could you add to the above list of recommendations?  Please leave a response. I would love to hear from you!

Mary Sherlach: School Psychologist, Teacher, Hero

Posted on by

 

This is a beginning for me in many ways. After 30 years in public education, I am developing a private practice and launching my first EVER blog. This first post is dedicated to the memory of Mary Sherlach, school psychologist, who was killed in the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School when she charged out of a meeting upon hearing gunshots in the hallway.

While I never actually met Mary, as a fellow school psychologist, I feel like I knew her personally. We were similar in many ways—nearly identical in age; both married with two children; she was to retire soon while I had recently retired from a nearby school district; and most notably, from what I’ve read, we both cherished our careers working with children and families and felt honored to be able to help others.

I was deeply impacted by the horrific nature of her death. Having been in similar such meetings countless times during the course of my career, I continue to visualize this scenario over and over in my own mind.  As I listened to news reports and read endless articles about Mary’s act of courage, tears flowed from recognition of her instinctual response to run into the face of danger in order to help others, with no second thoughts about herself or her own safety.

But even though intellectually I understand her actions, asking “why” is a normal response to sudden tragedies, and mental health professionals aren’t immune to questioning.

Over the days and weeks following the Newtown incident, I repeatedly questioned (and continue to question) why this talented woman who dedicated her entire career serving children and families, a woman acclaimed by colleagues, family and students, could in one minute be likely discussing a student’s future and in the next be so violently taken from this earth. What began as a typical day with Mary working quietly behind the scenes to help create a successful school experience for the children at Sandy Hook, ended with her name splashed across the front pages of newspapers across the country.

As time passes, I realize that my strong reaction is not only for the senseless deaths of those 20 precious children and 6 staff members, but also for Mary’s bravery, her display of amazing courage and caring, and how proud I am to be a school psychologist like her.

Mary was quickly and rightfully labeled a hero for her selfless actions. And while I enjoy the luxury of embarking on this next phase in my life, I dedicate this to Mary Sherlach, school psychologist, wife, mother, friend, teacher, hero.

Please feel free to respond with your thoughts and/or comments. I welcome your feedback.